“Spirits, are you there?”
[ouija board] IF YOU LIKE IT THEN YOU SHOULDA PUT A RING ON IT
“Damn it, we’ve held a séaoncé again!”
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“I’m totally against the selfie-stick but every now and then an exception comes along.”
Credit: AndrewBloch
To all newly married guys…..
If you screw up Valentine’s Day, you’ll be celebrating Palm Sunday for a long time.
I was watching my son at soccer practice and couldn’t believe how good he’s gotten. I was trying to figure out how he improved so much in just a couple of days, and then I realized I was watching someone else’s kid.
I like to make a guy feel welcome in the morning by surrounding him with stuffed animals while he sleeps.
The bartender just threw the bottle of vodka in the air and caught it. Maybe next time it’ll turn into a college degree.
[I time travel to 1998]
Guy: This is the first showing of Mulan, how does that dude in the front row already know the words to all the songs
So when a cop asks you why you have a handcuff key on your key ring, saying it was his wife’s idea will get you a free ride in his cop car
whenever i eat at a restaurant i make sure to sit with my back to the wall facing the door, that way if a dracula comes in i can kill myself before things get too scary
If I reject your call the first two times, ring me again. I’m really just testing your resolve.
They say rubbing coffee grounds all over your naked body can help prevent cellulite. What they didn’t say was not to do it in the aisle of the grocery store …..
….. anyways, gotta run – the cops just showed up
Nearly one in two marriages end in divorce, so statistically it isn’t enough to make sure your own marriage is good, real wed-heads should actively be working to break other couples up.
Thought I was having a good hair day. Mother Nature likes to keep my ego in check though.
She’s really good at that.
A San Francisco man is running seven marathons in seven days on seven continents; he’s expected to be seven times as annoying about it.
I’m dangerous, baby. Like egg salad that has been sitting out in the sun.
I have never been eaten by a tiger. If you want advice on how not to be eaten by a tiger, just ask.
Please note: advice may not work if you are near a tiger.
“Do not look that up on urban dictionary,” is a nice way of saying “ready the eyeball bleach, because I know you’re gonna.”
Interviewer: We offer great benefits.
Me: Can I take my two weeks vacation before I start?
“What are you doing here?”
I just got fired from the circus
“Oh my”
Yeah, the calibration on my cannon was way off. I landed in your pond
Oh you’re a Football fan? Okay then name 3 of their albums. Yeah. That’s what I thought.
Did you ever notice how Smokey the Bear is always steering the conversation towards the subject of forest fires? Should we tell someone?
When I say, “No problem,” I mean, “YOU REMEMBER THIS FAVOR FOREVER.”
Before I had kids I wasn’t a morning person but after parenting for years I can finally look at the beautiful sunrise every day and say, I’m still not
The best place on the internet is the reviews of hats for cats because every review is like “5 stars, amazing hat” and then a picture of the cat looking absolutely furious
Packing my daughter’s prom kit…lip gloss, stun gun, pepper spray, switchblade, and I’ve uploaded all 5 seasons of Teen Mom to her iPhone.
*brings change of clothes in case they serve ribs*
Confusing prank: Obtain a grizzly bear, name it Love then call 911 and say that Love is tearing you apart
How do I get a job as the non-research half of a murder podcast that just contributes the occasional well-timed “wait, what?”