When I think about ‘running a tight ship’ I’m reminded that I’m more of a ‘walking a loose boat’ kinda girl.
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Before you curse gravity, just imagine how unsatisfying sitting down would be without it.
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Me: ha nice try
I: excuse me?
M: that’s how Lex Luthor beat Superman. I’m not stupid.
How to properly lift a body
I’m awake but I object,
Last night I was walking Bizzy, and a friendly stranger asked how old she was. When I told him, he said: “She don’t walk like she’s 15 though!!!” I…I think he catcalled my dog?
If Zombies ever switch to eating souls, I’ll have the last laugh on everyone whoever made fun of me for being a Ginger
I tried giving a gentle reminder to my kids about cleaning their rooms, but a megaphone works much better.
No one EVER looks surprised when you tell them you cut your own hair.
The real reason Darth Vader cut off Luke’s hand was because he touched the thermostat
my answer to the age old ‘trolley problem’ ? I would simply also lay down on the tracks.
i hate when google maps keeps rerouting me to the faster route that goes thru traffic. i know my route is longer google i made this choice for my mental health
Teach one orca how to play Battleship and look what happens.
My husband suggested I tone down the Botox and just age gracefully. And I laughed and laughed. But didn’t scowl. Cuz Botox.
Should my wife be taking this long to finish the corn maze she entered on Halloween?
Every day Facebook tells me I have memories and wants to show them to me. It’s like they have no appreciation for the cost or the amount of liquor I needed to erase them.
“STOP TELLING ME WHAT TO DO”, I yell to my 5 year old.
I accidentally asked for a “large” coffee at Starbucks and some kid standing behind me swallowed his vape pen.
In case you wanted to mess with me, just know I went 10 for 10 at trivia last night on the round about famous female killers.
My neighbors listen to great music… whether they like it or not.
son: dad, why didn’t you want to cut the umbilical cord when I was born?
me: [doing jump rope between him and my wife] it’s called planning ahead, son
Me: Can I get a sick note?
Doctor: Here u go.
Me:
Note: *coughs*
My son’s name is Miller if you were wondering if I like beer.
St Peter: sorry you didn’t get into heaven. your dog can come in though obviously
Me: [nudging my dog] remember all those times I got you into steakhouses
My dog: she’s my support person
Wearing pigtails to relive my youth and scare men when I turn around.
Always a bridesmaid, never a new world-order leader in a post-apocalyptic all-powerful matriarchy. Sigh.
I believe this to be the best photograph of a dog ever taken in human history.
Sometimes I wonder how air conditioners actually make air colder, bet i could learn online but then i think no mike, best not rock the boat.
Stop having all the sex, what if we run out
Please pray for my 9 year old who will apparently need surgery to remove a bandaid.
[whispering to my wife with tears in my eyes as we watch our daughter’s piano recital] She’s terrible