*spits out coffee* VERB IS A NOUN
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LOOK WHAT HAPPENED TO MY DASHBOARD DUCK PFPFODKDDBDB
My trainer suggested I get a tennis ball to message my back. I got it, but it just sits there. How do you make it go?
Bought a bag of frozen chopped onions because I want to start crying slowly today
ME: No offense, but I kind of hate the dentist.
DENTIST: A lot of people feel that way. It’s uncomfortable, and can hurt a bit, and they’re embarrassed they didn’t floss. Did you floss?
ME: It’s because a dentist murdered my parents.
DENTIST: Probably cuz you didn’t floss.
Why yes I could start my day without coffee but I’m too pretty for prison
If by “junk in the trunk” you mean the untouched gym bag I store there, then yes, I most certainly have junk in my trunk.
Tartar, the sauce so nice they named it twice.
Honestly, silica gel must be absolutely delicious considering how much effort they put into convincing us not to eat it.
[coworkers chatting about me, to me]
cw 1: you’re such a goof!
me: hehe I’ll take it
cw 2: better than other things you can be called!
me: like?
cw 2: like… dumbass?
me: no one’s ever dared to call me that. I wouldn’t be the first if I were you.
cw 1 and 2:
me: good morning 🥰
Please do not throw cigarette butts into the urinals, as it makes them soggy and very hard to light
-Bathroom graffiti
Me: ok what did you do
Cat: U THINK CAT AM ONLY BEING NICE 2 COVER UP CRIME??
Me: well there’s precedent
Cat: AM INSULTED
Cat: AM DISGUSTED
Cat: AM MOST AND GOOD INNOCENT CAT
Me:
Cat:
Me:
Cat:
Me:
Cat: FINE CAT AM PEE IN LAUNDRY BASKET
When you love bacon, but you also love your pet pig:
[after losing a rap battle]
me: I didn’t realize how much rhymed with jorts
Starting a band called “Get Off The Stage” so I can pretend everybody’s cheering me on
The pillow is my all-time favorite soft, fluffy, comfortable murder weapon.
Everyone needs to eat healthier. Except the guy sitting next to me loudly eating an apple. That guy should be in prison.
‘why do people post shit online that never happened just for likes and attention’ my cat asked me
[opening the fridge to find no yummy snacks inside]
[me to the fridge] you had one job
My 6yo just stepped on a spider and thought she killed it, but it got up and scurried away. Her response? “Oh. My. God. It’s Spider Jesus.”
A one night stand where you make it clear you don’t want to see each other again should be called a Humpty Dumpty.
*at family function..
*superglues jenga tower
“This is The Grey Wall of China”
I think it’s ‘great’
“We all do, pal”
HER: Do you have any funny dating stories?
ME: [thinking about the time I wrote 2007 when it was actually 2008] Just one
She is very cute, has great energy! 😂
I like a baked potato because the name is the instructions.
Got in a bar fight for calling celery ‘nature’s dental floss’
For Mother’s Day I want the same thing I ask for every year: to have my kids, who I love more than anything in the world, be someone else’s problem for a few hours.
“My brother’s coming over for dinner.”
Ugh, is he still talking only in country names?*brother walks in* “Chad Hungary. Jamaica Turkey?”
GYM INSTRUCTOR: …and over here are the free weights.
ME: *shoving weights in my pockets* Fantastic.
I can turn a case of beer into a drunk man. Your move, Jesus.