@meladoodle: Spoil any movie by telling ur friend “Ice Cube dies” before they watch it. They’ll be waiting for Ice Cube to appear and die the whole time
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@_correctomundo: I'll call it smartphone when it slaps me in the face before sending a text to an ex.
@rickkondell: The best part about pooping with the bathroom door open in the morning is being able to see everyones face at Starbucks.
@leslid79: Oh, you solved a murder? I guess that's cool. One time I didn't run over my ex when I saw him crossing the street. I prevented a murder.