If you watch Titanic backwards, you are an idiot. That is not the way movies are meant to be watched.
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son: can I borrow your tie for my interview
dad: my what
son: I need a tie
dad: one more time
son: *sighs* your business necklace
boss: my secretary said you needed to see me urgently.
me confident I’ll get the raise I want because I found out his gamer tag: that’s right punished_gordon.
COP: what do you think made Gordon Ramsay assault you?
ME: well, he said he was going to show me how to make a three bean chili and when i said a chili should have like, at least thirty beans in it, that’s when he threw the spatula at me
“Can I take your order?”
Wait, take it where?
“No, not-”
I haven’t even given you my order yet
“I mean-”
WHERE ARE YOU TAKING MY ORDER
Apparently, this is how the world ends.
me: “£4,000 for a beehive?”
salesman: “sir, there are 8,000 bees in there, that’s only 50p each”
me: [checking my wallet] “give me 3 bees”
somebody posted a photo of a cat on nextdoor asking who’s cat it was and so far six people have claimed him
my 4yo asked my favorite dinosaur and when I said t-rex he told me I couldn’t have it because that was his so I guess now I have to pick out a new 4yo
me: I always follow my moral compass
friend who’s lost in the woods with me: maybe we should’ve followed a compass compass
I hate it when I’m digging my own grave at gunpoint and I discover buried treasure.
My cat looks at me like “I would have been a god in ancient Egypt, I’ll have you know”.
NUTRITIONIST: did you know that one beer equals 7 slices of bread?
ME: wow, what a time saver.
ME: We’re adopting a baby!
FRIEND: Congrats! Will you need my old baby gate?
ME: [considers summoning a baby] Nah, we’ll get one from this dimension
HER: My daughter is named Nevaeh which is heaven spelled backwards.
ME: *Phone rings* Hold on my son Elohssa is calling
Me, dying from machete attack: Someone—
My kids: What?
Me: Call the geek squad—
K: No!
Me: I’ve been hacked!
K: *run off to thank my killer*
I’m like that guy at the beginning of infomercials that is unable to do simple shit, i just burns everything and i cant figure out blankets.
If I add up all the cheese I ate this year, you’d think I’m actually made of moon.
BREAKING: Swiss Police confirm that, when arrested, all seven FIFA officials threw themselves on the ground and pretended to be injured.
Shout out to the little teapot song for making it okay to be short & stout.
My kids asked me what people were protesting about on tv so I had to sit them down and very carefully explain that people are still angry about the horrible Mother’s Day gift they bought me.
If I’m still single on Valentine’s day I’m going join a dating agency for sure!
Husband: ….
Perfecting my gay-nar. It’s an underwater homosexual detector.
I’m at Sephora and the makeup artist asked this woman if she was allergic to anything and she said “shrimp”
I want to re-home a dog. Small terrier, tends to bark a lot. If interested let me know and I’ll jump over next door’s fence and get her
Son: Can you make a deposit into my prison commissary account?
Me: Stop calling your school lunch account the prison commissary.
Wait for it…
This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.
Bored?
Looking for some action?Call my parents and tell them you heard the price of stamps are going up again.
My grandpa used to eat onion sandwiches so yeah he and my grandma slept in separate bedrooms.
I wanted to go out tonight, but the avocado I bought last week will finally be ripe enough to eat between 9pm – 9.15pm so I can’t.
therapist: you need healthy coping mechanisms
me: hmmm *writes note*
therapist: what did you just write
me: doesn’t feel so great does it