Bachelor: Will you accept this rose?
Me: Do you have any food?
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Don’t you hate it when you accidentally say something dumb in a conversation and then hate yourself for the next 15 years
I dated a computer hacker last year. He made me promise that I wouldn’t share this information because he said that hackers don’t want people to know this… but if you turn the brightness on your monitor down & browse the internet, then you are technically surfing the dark web.
Daughter: Dad, did dinosaurs really exist?
Me: Yep.
D: But how can you be so sure of that?
M: I’ve seen them in museums
D: Really!! Didn’t know they had museums when dinosaurs were about.
‘Drinking water successfully’ is out
‘Drinking water and letting it fall out the side of your mouth somehow and then down your chin and also to your shirt and oh god you’re sitting and the pants got hit too’ is in
me [after hitting a long shot]: FORE
her: are you serious this is mini golf
me [apologetically]: ᶠᵒʳᵉ
I love picking out my wife’s panties except this isn’t my house and now some dudes are yelling for me to come downstairs with my hands up
Me: I don’t like scones.
British Friend: Ah mate you just haven’t had them the proper way.
Me: What do you mean?
British Friend: You need some good jam, a scoop of clotted cream, have some tea and take sips in between bit-
Me: I dont think you like scones either.
Starting next year, Santa comes in the afternoon while the kids are watching Netflix in their rooms so we don’t have to stay up all night assembling shit.
RT to cosign.
The bright side of global warming is that 100% of our great grandchildren will own beachfront property.
brown rice can’t be THAT much better for you, can it? I ask because I don’t like it
My eyesight is so bad that, after I took my contacts out last night, I chatted to my cat for 5 mins before I realised it was my handbag.
A horror story:
You are enjoying a quiet night with a glass of wine on the couch when, suddenly, the phone rings.
That’s it that’s the whole story.
If Liam Neeson keeps starring in the same film pretty soon he’s going to be Taken 4: Granted
Me: I love the way the rib meat just falls off the bone
Other surgeons: what
masseuse: I can tell you hold a lot of tension in your shoulders. Do you sit at a desk all day?
Took a bunch of ibuprofen to keep my tweets from being too inflammatory
[hours after first date]
HER: *on phone* yeah i went on the date but he was creepy.
*i’m just sitting outside her bedroom window in shock*
My daughter told me breathing is for losers and now I have to somehow surreptitiously check her for gills
If every human in the world jumps off a mountain we’ll probably eventually evolve to fly.
Taught my daughter how to use Amazon Lists and now I have 371 items under “you should buy me this”
I would do anything for love. But I won’t do that. Or that. That’s not looking good either.
As a parent I can honestly say that I don’t have a favorite child, but I do have one that’s definitely going to be the cause of my first heart attack
We gave DanceBot a machete as a joke. No one could have predicted the rhythmic horror that came next.
Nice of ads to thank me for watching as if I wasn’t a hostage
I’m not a 10. I’m more like two 5s held together by cheese and chocolate.
My wife set an auto-reply to all my texts that just says “No.”
You haven’t truly witnessed humanity at its worst until you’ve visited an all-you-can-eat buffet with crab legs on it.
I want to be rich enough to leave the house-sitter notes like: “If the cheetah looks bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch Friends.”
Popular misconception: women brag about designer clothing. Most women I know whisper “This was $7 at TJ Maxx” or “I grabbed the wrong bag at LAX and two hitmen are chasing me, but look, free romper.”
Screamed from the other room for somebody to bring me toilet paper only to be ignored.
Olive Garden wasn’t lying. When you’re here, you really are family.