Spoiler alert: Doctor Strange could not become a Sorcerer Supreme until he learned to like sour cream.
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Remember when the biggest problem we faced was Gangnam Style
Me: Hi, thanks for meeting with me. Oh is it pronounced Caroline or Carolynn?
Her: anything is fine
Me: ……..ok Sarah, let’s get started.
A good way to get kicked out of church is to shout “HOLE!” after every chorus of “Glory, Glory, Glory”.
Me: Did you throw your carrot-sticks in the grass?
3yr old: No, the crow did it
Me: You know you must always tell the truth, right? Fibs are bold
3yr old: *points out window
Me: *See’s crow stealing and flinging carrot-sticks in the grass
3yr old: It’s nice to say sorry.
little known fact: bill nye is short for william new years eve
Cop: Suspect located, we’re in hot pursuit
Me: *rolling down window* I THINK YOU’RE CUTE TOO!
I’m so glad my kids have a 3-day weekend because that means I get an extra day of listening to them yell at Fortnite.
Wife leaves keys on counter with a helpful note saying “keys” in case I thought they were llamas.
GIRLFRIEND: *cosying up to me in bed* What ya thinking?
ME: If the cartoon was made in the 70s would he be called SpongeBob FlarePants?
HER: You know, sometimes it’s ok to just say ‘nothing’.
I’m not telling you how to raise your kids, Phil. I’m just saying..fire is dangerous and babies can’t juggle.
Rose: Paint me like your French girls.
Jack: With armpit hair?
Good news. My neighbor found that last box of fireworks.
It’s been almost six years since my first child was born, and three years from my second. I’m about to attempt a feat I haven’t dared for as long.
I’m about to put on a white shirt.
HER: What kind of music do you like?
ME: Hm. Imagine dragons.
HER: Okay.
ME: Cool. Now imagine them playing banjos with their claws.
Me: “I mean, how can Harry Potter be the best Quidditch Seeker when he’s the only one with glasses?”
Librarian: “Just pay your fine, Ma’am.”
[Texting]
My Brother: Here’s pictures from my 40 mile hike
Me: Here’s pictures of my second breakfast
Art teacher: you were supposed to paint a tree
Rorschach: I did
You can be anyone you want on twitter, so I’m a little surprised so many guys chose “creepy weird dude.”
I don’t use dating sites, I meet girls the old fashioned way: never
Mcdonalds Drive thru: Do you want a girl toy or a boy toy?
Me: You have those here?!
I’m guessing the person who decided how to spell “queue” and “okay” got paid by the letter.
A client on the phone accidentally said they love me before they hung up
Not gonna lie it felt good
the karate policy at this nursing home is bullshit
I’m really worried Justin Timberlake is going to have me naked by the end of this song.
Who called it “playing footsie” and not “becoming sole mates”?
[aquarium]
me: look at the chorse
wife: it’s seahorse
me: i know how to spell chorse linda
what’s a good synonym for “experienced” to use in an overview summary on a resume? i tried “jaded” and apparently that’s not what employers are looking for
ad for letuce:
do u- hey do u ever wish u coud eat water
*brings elephant to knife fight
*nobody talks about it
I’m not short or particularly thirsty, but thank you.