It’s amazing how water drops from my shower make little faces all around.
I see Mona Lisa on the wall,
A cute Pikachu on the glass,
And my neighbor’s face in the bathroom window.
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Kitchen Rule No 1.
Don’t walk away from boiling milk unless you’re willing to start over and scrub that stove for a 100 years.
How’s your Saturday going?
I’ll go first: my 10 yo came upstairs from his video game haze to tell me the dog peed on the rug again. We don’t have a dog.
Remember back in the good old days when someome looked at you wrong, all you had to do was call them a witch and POOF problem solved
What do you call a man who does all the cooking, cleaning and washing without complaint?
Single.
Pretty metal of Betty White to trend every time someone else dies.
I haven’t had bread in 3 weeks. I look great but now all I think about is bread. I’m basically a duck at this point.
ME: I have a few openings today and can probably squeeze you in
PROCTOLOGIST BOSS: haha nice
ME: what
PROCTOLOGIST BOSS: ugh nothing
Bitcoin is just Kohl’s Cash for boys
There are 2 types of buyers in me:
1.immediately tracks package I ordered 5 minutes ago
2.turns over package from doorstep WHAT THE HELL DID I ORDER??
Them: dating isn’t hard you just gotta put yourself out there
Me: ok got it
“does this spark joy?” but with phone contacts.
I woke up because of birds chirping.
I wish I had wings too.
I would fly to each of these birds & choke them one by one.
6 am is too early.
Is it a bad sign when your 8 year old laptop starts smoking?
Or is it just going through a rebellious phase?
[dog park]
*random dog humps my dog*Owner: It’s okay! He’s fixed, haha!
Me: Its okay— mine’s a boy.
Never go shopping on an empty stomach, I just went to Macy’s before dinner and ate 7 turtle necks
The Earth gets a day, Sharks get a week. That sounds about right.
I saw a woman I work with in line at the pharmacy and instinctively said “hey what are you here for?” She blushed and didn’t respond in case you’re wondering about my ability to create awkward situations
Stopping to get donuts for the office only works as an excuse for being late if the box isn’t empty.
i trust babies a lot because i can throw them pretty far
Just finished a series of paintings of mass murderers. A friend wants to put them on display but I think hanging’s too good for them.
The word “defenestration” means “to throw someone out a window.” Which means this happens so often we needed a word for it.
Spotify keeps trying to automatically lower my volume. I’m jamming Fireboy’s album fgs, to hell with my eardrums!!!
She said “you’re dead to me” but I suspect she’s planning to make me dead to everyone else as well
Always keep your head up and stand proud! That way your double chin won’t show in your pictures.
In my next life I’m coming back with money and good looks. This great personality shit is not working.
Sure, my bologna has a first name, but he’s a stickler for manners so he insists we still call him Mr. Bologna.
I don’t think ‘Open Facebook’ was the first step in the scientific method I learned in school
[coffee shop]
ME: [hanging up a flyer for my band]
CUTE GIRL: Is that your band?
ME: No it’s a flyer