SPOILER ALERT for “Finding Bigfoot” TV show – they don’t find him. Again.
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When I say “I’m open to feedback” I mean “I accept compliments.”
Starting a band called “Get Off The Stage” so I can pretend everybody’s cheering me on
Me: Excuse me sir, can you please forward my X-ray and breast exam results to my doctor
Airport security:…
I’m not saying I’m an idiot…
But if some village comes looking…tell them you never saw me.
“SELF CARE!” I scream as my trench coat full of monkeys scurries toward everyone’s wallets and watches.
A man threatened to sue a magazine for using his photo in a story about all hipsters looking the same — only to learn it’s not him in the picture
My kids ask me the dumbest shit when I’m driving like would you eat your arms if they were pickles? Like obviously the answer is yes.
You have to sit up to drink coffee in bed. I know that now.
Marsupials have pouches and the good manners to keep children out of sight.
Mazda’s marketing slogan is “We Build Mazdas.” They decided on it after rejecting others like: “Mazdas Are Cars” and “Buy Mazdas With Money”
Finding an open electrical socket at the airport and discovering it doesn’t work feels like buying a pair of pants and discovering the pockets are fake.
Your Scooby Doo Villain Name is “old” plus your gender plus your last name.
Plummeting toward the ground, my primary chute failed, I have a glimmer of hope: my backup chute. Grabbing it, I yell over the screaming wind, “Go get help, boy!” and send it off. Hopefully it will return in time.
I told my bf if he keeps forgetting to say “bless you” when I sneeze I’m going to just go ahead and let that old lady, nagging demon in.
He said “so what would be the difference?”
If anyone asks, you haven’t seen him in two weeks either.
god: men, do u want pockets?
men: sure
god: u got it dude!
men: thank u!!! ❤️
god: women, do u want pockets?
women: yes!
god: lmao no
women: ????
god: kangaroos, do u want pockets?
kangaroos: yes pls
god: ok done
kangaroos: [already putting their kids in there]
*returns tent to Target*
CASHIER: What was the problem?
ME: The packing implied that there would be a family that loves me inside the tent
*puts dreamcatcher above bed*
“Sure hope this works”
*wakes up in the middle of the night*
*Ryan Gosling is stuck in dreamcatcher*
“YES”
[guy chasing me with a chainsaw]
lol this idiot thinks im a tree
I’m not saying I’m jealous of the pigeons but I certainly wouldn’t mind someone throwing food at me from this park bench.
Asked my gf to buy me a 2-pack of socks and she came back with these wtf
If you ever want your phone to ring just try to take a nap, it’s science
I flunked out of flight attendant school.
I was told to disarm the doors, so I said they looked fabulous and were clearly going places.
If Oasis teamed up with Blur they’d be Mirage.
This is the huge spider that I killed inside my shirt by slapping my side while driving my kid to school. So, yea, I’d call it a win win.
There’s a fine line between “I slept great” and “what did I do to my neck?”
I’m not an alcoholic. I only go to the liquor store every day because they ask to see my ID & therefore must think I look young & pretty.
$4 #usedbooks
[bakery]
Robber: Give me all of your bread
Baker: *starts emptying the register*
Robber: Oh yeah, good idea, give me all your money too
He tripped, and the laundry basket fell to floor, spilling clothes everywhere.
I sat back and watched it all unfold.
Save your voice calling for your kids. Just open a bag of chips and they’ll materialize out of nowhere.