SPOILER ALERT: In the book “What to Expect When You’re Expecting,” it’s a baby. You’re expecting a baby.
You Might Also Like
If you’ve ever wanted to reconnect with people you haven’t seen in ages, take a quick trip to the grocery store looking like complete shit.
A vegan walks into a bar and doesn’t say anything because the person who has never seen star wars is going on about never seeing star wars.
[waits until purge night to illegally download music]
CAT: mew
ME: indeed, u are correct kitty
CAT: mew
ME: well said, kitty, well saidFRIEND I FORGOT WAS THERE: are u ok…? Emotionally?
You know you have something special w someone when u start finishing their sentences. But enough about me & my local Subway sandwich artist
Him: I got in a fender bender, coming out of the grocery store.
Me: Everything’s intact?
Him: I’m fi…
Me: Chips, cookies, stuff like that?
Wow, you forget to buy beer a few days in a row and suddenly your husband is offering to do the grocery shopping, my plan is working, guys.
Her [on phone]: I have to tell you something. Are you sitting down?
Me: Actually I’m lying in bed. Naked.
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me: This isn’t that kind of call, is it?
My prescription isn’t ready, so three toddlers at this pharmacy just learned the F word.
Gemma Correll
Could you play us a song?
Cat Stevens: Maybe.
*Sets guitar on table*
Cat Stevens: *Maintains eye contact-slowly pushes guitar off table*
My general rule about animals is if I can catch it, I can pet it. If it can catch me…well, I’ll get a few pets in first.
The guy who drills the holes so you can assemble IKEA furniture is clearly having problems at home.
[at the plastic surgeon] please doc help me my Barbie doll has appendicitis
“You’re unemployed 364 days a year. It’s not that sexy.”
–Mrs. Cupid
*controversially folds piece of paper lengthwise*
“we serve breakfast all day” no you don’t, you serve eggs and pancakes for dinner, which is totally fine, but let’s not lie to ourselves
When I’m trying to walk around in my house: Tripping over shoes nonstop because kids leave them everywhere
When I’m trying to get kids out of the house: No shoes to be found, a barren shoeless desert, a tumbleweed rolls by
Of course everyone says that their kid is SO smart. No decent parent would ever say, “This is my boy Jack, he’s as dumb as a bag of hair.”
6/6/14 Dear Diary – Today was really great. Got a job as an intern with the CIA and sent a cool tweet.
6/7/14 Dear Diary – Guantanamo sucks.
It’s cute that kids think they’re safer with the light on, when actually it makes you more vulnerable and easier to spot.
Have your tribal tattoo call my tramp stamp and let’s make beautiful, douchey babies together.
Me: I’ll take one insurance
Insurance salesman: It doesn’t work like that
Me: *shoving $12 in his breast pocket* your best one, please
I had no idea so much of my married life was going to be spent listening to my husband complain about the price of gas, yet here we are.
I think my wife might have been secretly taking goalkeeping lessons. I certainly wouldn’t put it past her.
Ion see the issue
Pride & Prejudice is a classic love story about a woman falling in love with a giant house, and learning to overcome her prejudice and distrust (because of said house)
ME: may I speak to the chef please? Today’s repast was magnifiqué
MCDONALD’S CASHIER: what
Me driving at night:
I hope this is the road!
Trying to motivate myself to go for a run, but it’s windy outside.
And outside.