SPOILER ALERT: In the book “What to Expect When You’re Expecting,” it’s a baby. You’re expecting a baby.
You Might Also Like
LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up.
[Lying on the grass, staring at the full moon]
Her: You looked different in your profile picture.
Werewolf: I forgot to check the calendar
priest: your mission should you choose to accept it, is to face your fate
groom: can you please stop saying that
Was invited into a group DM called procrastinators, it’s been two weeks I’m still waiting to be added….
*my kind of people
TUPAC IS DEAD
BIGGIE IS DEAD
AND ME ALSO I AM FEELING NOT SO GOOD
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew ✔
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
PhewThe Chosen Phew
What was more important than the invention of the first telephone?
The invention of the 2nd telephone
TERMINATOR: I need your clothes, your boots, and your motorcycle
ME: *gliding past on heelys* Do you need anything from me?
Doctor: so what type of birth control are you using?
Me: my appearance
I was in a busy lift today and someone opened and started eating an egg sandwich.
Just to repeat: in a lift.
“bro it doesn’t work like a boomerang”
-my friend before getting knocked out by a flying croissant
all i did was tell my dad i’m anaemic 😭😭
Me: *buys a blue chair online*
Internet: check out these 16 similar blue chairs since you obv collect blue chairs
My husband proposed two days after Valentine’s day so that every year he could get me discounted flowers and chocolates on the anniversary instead of the holiday
interviewer: why’d u quit ur last job
me: the company moved
interviewer: where to
me: they didn’t tell me
Pharmaceutical ads really be like “HEY is your doctor an IDIOT? suggest this drug to them bc they’re probably so DUMB they haven’t even THOUGHT of it YET”
Telling everyone “great costume” whether or not they’re wearing one.
I’m voting for whoever my cat thinks I should and my vote counts just as much as yours
Ghosting my landlord by hiding in the walls and haunting the property when he tries to have someone else move in
When a yoga class gets too challenging, I like to make up my own poses. So far I have Injured Cobra, Distrustful Dog, Wet Cat, Chalk Body Outline, and Drunk White Girl.
I asked a girl, “What is the maximum amount of money you would pay to have sex with me?” She said, “Zero dollars.”
And I said, “Deal.”
Me: I have a problem.
Her: We’re married. Whatever it is, it’s our problem now.
Me: Ok. We had an affair with the neighbour’s daughter.
[first date with a skeleton]
ME: So um… have you always been a skeleton?
HER: No, in high school I was a-
ME: Wait, no-
HER: Skeleteen.
ME: Heyy baby, tonight I wanna take you to Clown Town.
HER: Don’t you mean Pound Town?
ME: *seductively puts on a rainbow wig and nods “no”*
your honor my client feels very bad he got caught
If you’ve ever wondered if your drunk Uncle would make a good President you aren’t wondering anymore.
Keep your friends close and your enemies wrapped in plastic ready for that long drive to the desert.
Can we just call it Zealand now? How long has it been? Move on people
Me trying to look natural in photos