@kelkulus: Spoiler Alert: In the season finale of Game of Thrones, YOU die.
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@Getnosexual: I have twins because my wife wanted more children than she was willing to have sex with me...
@Contwixt: Me- "Sorry I can't" Friend- "Why not?" M- "Working on my book" F- "Neato! What about?" M- "It's a collection of ways to escape obligations"
@StellaRtwot: I think I'll test to see if my husband is checking my browser history by searching "How to tell if your baby is black in the womb."
@joejwest: [deathbed] ME: Give me that sword & I'll haunt it when I die SON: I made this [hands me cake] ME: No! [dies] CAKE: [in my voice] God damn it