I’m thinking about giving up sugar.
Ok. I’m done thinking about it.
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Pool party at my house… BYOP (Bring Your Own Pool)…
My mom, watching a scary movie: Be careful if you’re going in the backyard, I thought I saw someone walking around out there.
Me: What. Like a cat?
My mom: No, it was definitely bigger than that.
Me: I’m really proud of you for keeping your hands to yourself today. What would you like to do as a reward?
2: Hit my brother
HUSBAND: Why are you eating food in line when we’re buying takeout?
ME: It’s my warm up sandwich.
BT: “You’ve been prequalified for a low interest credit card!”
BR: “pass”BT: “Would you be interested in refinancing a loan?”
BR: “No thanks.”Bank Teller: “What color lollipop would you like today?”
Bank Robber: “JUST PUT THE MONEY IN THE BAG!”
Daughter text me from upstairs..come here and bring your glasses..that can only mean one thing…we are about to make fun of people on FB…
There’s been a whole lot of office Romance since I became self employed…
DARTH VADER: the plans for the jeff star are complete my lord
DARTH SIDIOUS: *jeff* star?
DV: fire!
[jeff star kills like, 7 or 8 jeffs]
her: i’m a cat person
me:
her:
me: name one part of u that’s cat, Becky
Every great and accomplished chef had to start somewhere.
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
[First Date]
Sorry for the mess. My mother said pudding on a condom was important.
8 digit bank passcode is protecting my 3 digit bank balance 😂
Sorry I didn’t text you back, my hands are sore from karate chopping loaves of bread in half and feeding them to starving children all day.
Do you know what’s cooler than those fake chains around your license plate?
Everything. Every single thing in the world.
Yeah I do yoga.
Ninja Yoga.
I’m so good at it, you won’t even see me there.
*Goes to the gym. Takes a selfie in front of the weights. Leaves.
Comedians should be funny (agree with my politics) instead of being political (not agreeing with my politics)
How can kids be so dumb and so brilliant at the same time? My son can’t say “oatmeal,” but he calls it “eatmeal” before I serve it and “atemeal” once he’s done.
I had two eggs for breakfast. They were in the cake I ate…
Only in America: We have a holiday devoted to gratitude & then less than 12 hrs later beat the shit out of each other for a $10 crockpot.
“Follow your dreams!” – someone born into money
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Sandy
4. Hand Jive
5. Ramalamalamadingadadingedong
– Five Stages of Grease
My doctor says I shouldn’t brush my teeth. I guess that’s why he’s not a dentist
You say you’re a stoner?
Name every stone then
One time, I pulled my pants down to moon someone & accidentally opened the car door instead of the window & rolled down the street naked.
I don’t wanna brag but I have definitely pet my slippers thinking they were my cat
[restaurant]
WAITER: Would you like a booth or a table?
TERMITE: [handing back menu] The table sounds delicious, thanks
Flight attendant: Is there a Dr. on this flight?
Dad: that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Maybe you can flippy Mctwisty him back to health
Me: Dad, there’s an emergency
Dad: use your “always special” cheat code
Me: But we’re in first class and I paid for our flight