They say throwing a party is about planning, but it’s really about setting aside your pride and asking your friends and family to bring whatever dumb items you forgot.
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Parents who say “I’m not going to say it again” always say it again.
My son asked Alexa to play The Imperial March, and it synced with my 3yo storming away after her tantrum. It was the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen.
I was getting mad in traffic earlier and my 3-year-old said “all you can do is calm down and let the cars go” and now I have a therapist.
Wife: He’s always lying about his celebrity connections..
Therapist: Is this true?
Me: Just wait til Sonic The Hedgehog hears this bullshit.
“Honey did you put a dead rattlesnake in my boot?”
Oh it died?
If a mass murderer on death row ordered a Klondike Bar for his last meal I bet it would explain a lot.
You’d think this moron wandering around the lot would give up after 10 minutes and push the alarm button to find their car …
But I won’t.
Gravity is just the earth being really clingy
When people say they’re speechless, I always hope they mean it but they never stop talking
Billion dollar idea: Meth with Flouride
he said he hasn’t touched my anti aging serum but one of his palms clearly looks younger than the other
Just now walking down the street eating a banana, I spotted a woman at a bus stop, also eating a banana. To her horror & mine, I was physically unable to stop myself raising my banana to her in a sort of banana toast. She looked v confused then, adorably, bobbed her banana back.
I’ve hated dentists way before they started killing lions.
What I lack in drive, I more than make up for in drive-thru.
If you encounter a bear DON’T RUN. Maintain eye contact. Keep maintaining it. Fall in love. Marry the bear. Tell story to your grandbearbies
My 9-year-old drew her dream bedroom for an assignment at school. I asked her to show me so I could see if there were any simple upgrades I could do. She had my attention at the skydiving zone but lost me at the built-in McDonald’s.
I’ve lived my life according to one basic principle
If you’re out shopping today I’m a size Nordstrom gift card
A beloved neighborhood bagel shop called Schmear We Go Again
I may be fat now, but you’re stupid forever.
Me: Liar, liar, pants on fire! Nose as long as a telephone wire!
Daughter: A telephone WHAT?
Me: Wire.
Daughter: That doesn’t make sense.
Seriously though, how do Gremlins know when it’s after midnight?
Me: Ok kids, vacation time!!
Kids: Yay!
M: See you in a week!
*slams door*Kids: …
On your first day as a new parent, walk up to your baby and cry louder than it to assert your dominance.
Judging by the tweets, you guys all lead really interesting lies
Will I still enjoy it if I haven’t seen Shepherd’s Pie 1-5?
At what point is a salad no longer a salad based on how much bacon I add?
It’s absurd how none of the chicks at this park are recognizing my swag *puts flip phone back in my fanny pack. Rollerblades away*
“MOOOOOOMMM!!!”