Spoiler alert: Sometimes accountants are boring on purpose because we think it’s funny when we see people’s eyes glaze over.
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My assistant is eating her pizza with a knife and fork, yet eating her salad with her fingers by picking through and finding the specific vegetable she wants.
*tries to be less adorable*
*fails*
me: they’re all so cute but i don’t know if i can take one away from its mother and siblings
pumpkin patch employee: ok
[me as a DJ]
Where my single ladies at?
*drunk responses*
This one’s for you
*turns off music, serious tone*
This is a bad place to meet men
so you’re saying i have to put these balls in my closet or moths will eat my sweaters? listen to yourself. you sound insane
I always act like I’m so much better than fantasy protagonists but lets be honest I would 100% touch the book of forbidden secrets, even if it did mean accidentally starting the war of the unclean and maybe also releasing the queen of spiders from her endless slumber
“I’M NOT LIKE OTHER GIRLS!”
*passionately grabs your face and starts French kissing your forehead*
Me: When the cocoon hatches, the caterpillar turns into a butterfly.
4-year-old: That’s it?
Me: What did you want it to be?
4: A dragon.
Me: I’m exhausted
Fitbit: You have taken 11 steps today
In all honesty, my new dating service, “Well You’re Not So Great Yourself” hasn’t really taken off like I’d hoped.
HER: OMG Thats not going to fit
HIM: Just relax. I’ll go slow
HER: If you’re sure…
HIM: [severely damages surrounding cars while parking]
ready to be harvested
[in hell]
Me: omg is that melted cheese
Satan: no it’s lav-
Me: *already waist deep* ope real hot
Facebook: losing friends.
Twitter: gaining friends
Instagram: gaining weight
Having a reputation for being irresponsible gets me out of having to do a lot of stuff.
coworker: that’s a great ugly Christmas sweater
me *in my regular sweater*: thanks
Me as a detective:
[analyzes evidence with magnifying glass]
[evidence catches on fire]
no no no no
Yesterday I watched a clip about a 71-year-old female body builder.
Today I used my pants as a napkin because the couch was too far from the kitchen.
Nothing makes me scream louder during sex than when my husband calls to let me know he’s on his way home from work.
incredible
Planning to edit the three Hobbit movies into one watchable movie. Should I use Instagram or Vine?
Couples costume idea: both people dress up as Robin then spend the whole night arguing over who was supposed to be Batman
I embrace aging gracefully
And bitterly
With good humor
And rage
I refuse to watch shows like “Are You Smarter than a 5th Grader?” because I already know I’m not.
Jennifer on Facebook hates being sick.
Really Jennifer? Most people love it.
What she said: wanna share some nachos?
What I heard: wanna race to see who can eat the most nachos?
I Just Watched The Simpsons For The First Time. Bart’s Grades Are… Disturbing
Worst Native American name ever.
[First day as a mortician]
Me: Anybody seen my grapes?
[Later]
Widow: *looking down at casket* His eyes look weird
A thread of some SAVAGE/DEEPEST REPLIES in “Black Panther”
1.