Spoiler alert: The people who can’t believe your kid is in Kindergarten already won’t be able to believe they’re in any grade, any year ever
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I just heard a lady sitting at the table next to me say, “My burger is confusing.”
That’s it. I’m done with people.
My wife is:
1) Am amazing mom and a great friend
2) Still the most beautiful girl I’ve ever been with
3) Now following me on Twitter
If you see a hot girl walking you should honk your horn to let her know you’re intrested and afraid to talk to girls.
I have precisely ZERO idea what people are doing when they inspect inside their egg boxes at the supermarket. But for 20 odd years I’ve dutifully opened the box, nodded appreciatively, and then put my eggs in the trolley without the faintest idea what the hell I’m doing or why.
celebrities name their kids things like Moon Unit, Lyra Antarctica, and North but call their dog Dave
Who did it better?
*DJ drops the beet*
ERRYBODY IN THE CLUB begins wondering why the DJ would bring a root vegetable to work with him.
[lumberjack interview]
BOSS: I’m gonna “axe” you a few questions. Haha do you get it?
ME: Yeah I “saw” that coming
BOSS: Ooo welcome aboard!
That curb wasn’t there until I hit it.
Your face is perpetually itchy now that you’re not supposed to touch it.
It’s science.
Nothing like accidentally setting fire to your hair at work to make you feel alive
I just ate a perfectly ripe avocado, kinda thought my super power would be more exciting.
Nice try Hitler
uh yeah, I accept. No brainer
Imagine an octopus mother trying to get her octopus kid ready for school but she can only find seven shoes
😆this is so true
her: wow your armpit is really big
me: yeah *tosses another limb onto the pile* I used a bulldozer
“?leef uoy ekam taht did woh dnA”
– reverse psychology
When someone tells me to “smile naturally”.
If you watch the Social Network backwards, it’s about a man gaining more friends and a girlfriend as he spends less time on Facebook.
Interviewer: there’s a long gap on your resume?
Me: Ah yes, you see I was dressing my toddler
“I’d like you to meet my half sister.”
“Different fathers?”
“Shark attack.”
Boss “I’m looking for a volunteer.”
Me *chops off own legs “I can’t!”
Co-worker “I’m busy, sorry.”
Me “damn, that’s a better excuse.”
Today i started stalking guys. Not for any gay reason but it’s so much easier to do. Women always complain, guys don’t suspect a thing.
There is no situation where banana bread isn’t an appropriate gift. You got a promotion? Banana bread. Your dad is dead? Banana bread. You had a bad breakup? Banana bread. Aliens steal your body for experiments? BANANA BREAD.
a deranged scientist in every rickety old house on top of every hill on the outskirts of every town. that’s my promise, should i be elected
There is no “five second rule”…
Just a “shame-to-hunger” ratio.
Friend: Wanna go out with me for a beer?
Me: I’ll go out with you *finger guns* for free
“Hi I’m looking for a birthday card for my mom’s sister”
*hands you an extremely small card*
“WHAT IS THIS A CARD FOR AUNTS”
Yes
“Perfect”