Spongebob would be more realistic if he had an abrasive side.
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Squirrels don’t hibernate in the winter they just get angry.
A Vampire Bat is easy to spot due to its funny accent and little silk cape
I love movies from the 70s because they’re like “it’s okay to be sweaty for no reason” which is important to me
mobster: are you wearing a wire?
me: *speaking directly into the potted plant I’m carrying* no, of course not
Any car can be a dream car if you fall asleep while you’re driving.
Start hating people now, so you don’t have to buy them a Christmas present. Don’t wait until the last minute.
Me as a bachelor contestant: “you’re not talking to any other girls, right?”
I can never tell if my cat left a dead bird at my door, or if it’s the dead bird I ordered from Amazon.
Egregious Outerwear Lies
Trench coat: would get RUINED in a trench
Pea coat: not made of peas
Leather bomber: zero incendiaries
Swing coat: doesn’t dance at all
Parka: can’t even drive
As a man I’ll never know the what the pain of child birth feels like. But I’m guessing the pain of stubbing your toes has to be really close.
Mom is flying into JFK during Friday rush hour. An ‘anonymous tip’ should allow me to pick her up at the TSA and avoid the terminals.
*being born
my mom: oh SHIT
my dad: OH shit
me: OH SHIT
[Court]
Me *taking the witness stand*
Judge: Hey, put that back!
The traffic must be horrendous in a red light district
You should not throw stones at glass houses but they never said anything about the home owners.
He died doing what he loved…failing to read my mind.
I’m the kind of girl that likes to wake up. Hear the birds chirping. And throw my coffee at them.
I just want a woman to look at me the same way my cat does when I’m eating a piece of chicken.
You could replace the zombies on Walking Dead with huggers and it’d be the same scary show.
The best part of being an adult is eating whatever you want. I just ate a small man that pissed me off at the liquor store.
Hey man do you like my costume? You only need photographic memories of every movie scene you’ve ever watched to get it.
My family made a pact that I’m the first to be sacrificed in a zombie apocalypse because I’ll slow them down. That’s my workout motivation.
I am so desperate for summer I’m actually looking forward to wasps.
Baking is just science you can eat.
I’m not as tweet as you drunk I am think.
A twitter swear jar could end world hunger.
My mama didn’t raise no fool.
Instead I was raised by a pack of idiot wolves.
*Rubs lamp*
*Nothing happens*
Where’s the genie?
*Takes off lampshade*
What’s wrong with this thing?
My cat said “meow”, so I answered with a “meow”, and now I’m afraid of what I may have agreed to.
Yoga class
*sniff sniff*
“Someone stinks of 11 herbs and spices”Embarrassed chicken closes her legs