[spooky noise comes from my closet]
monster under my bed: you heard that too right
You Might Also Like
We should be able to pick our zodiac sign, like choosing your piece in Monopoly: “Nope I’m not playing today unless I can be the crab or the lion”
*forgetting the name for christmas decorations*
please pass me the tree earrings
I just watched my son get a knot out of his shoelace with the tine of a fork and then put it back in the silverware drawer and OMG! HOW MANY TIMES HAS HE DONE THIS?!
KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that
[interview for an accounting job]
Your resumé says your greatest strength is using idioms. How can that help in this job?“You do the math”
“THE YOGURT HAD MY GOD DAMN NAME ON IT, NANCY.”
I finally convinced Grandpa to watch Avengers with me.
Grandpa: Who’s that guy?
Me: Captain America.
Grandpa: Then the blonde must be Captain Hammer.
Me: No, that’s Thor.
Grandpa: …Thor? What, like from the Bible?
Me: Um… Yes?
Grandpa: I don’t like church movies.
Wife: “Ian is coming over.”
Me: “Ian from work or Ian who is good at disguises?”
Wife: “Ian-
*pulls off mask*
-who is good at disguises!”
Cop: When the meteor landed on the Old Navy Store it obliterated the clearance section.
Me (also a cop): *Solemnly* Yes. There were many casual tees.
Schrödinger: Happy anniversary!
Schrödinger’s wife: Thank you! I wonder what’s in the box!
Schrödinger: [Realizes he grabbed the wrong box and starts sweating]
[standing at the bank teller’s window] one wealth please
When I’m feeling inadequate, I remember that there are women who marry their prison pen pals, and then my own decisions don’t seem so bad.
Please help. My husband just started running. He runs in jeans. With a belt. I don’t have anyone I can talk to about this. I am so alone.
how terrible do you think Maria von Trapp’s life had to be that she included “doorbells” on her list of favorite things
Do furries go to doctors or vets?
at the grampys, about to anounce who won the grampy award. open envelope. its grandpa!!! you did it congratulations
Maybe it’s love, or maybe she just can’t unclasp that damn bracelet on her wrist without help
ok i’ll bite.. what is Britain
Robert, you forgot to shut the window. That baby flew in, again
If you missed any of the most recent presidential debate, you can catch one side of it on any given Facebook friend’s page.
Woke up against my better judgment again
CONFIRMED: Pete Davidson is now dating Sims 1 Bella Goth 🫢🫢
me: can i buy u a drink
girl: ladies drink free tonight, idiot
me:
girl:
me: can u buy me a drink
*skydiving*
Jumper: Where’s your parachute?
Married Guy: Don’t need one
J: There’s no chance of survival
MG: Not trying to beat the odds
Why do Mexicans eat tamales on Christmas?
Because they’re delicious, you racist asshole.
My safe word is antidisestablishmentarianism.
Don’t worry. I never get laid.
The biggest problem with prison is that you can only rearrange your cell in so many ways because of where the toilet is.
ME: “Personally I think it should be called a ‘fastboat’ instead of a ‘speedboat’ – ‘slow’ is also a speed.”
DATE: “I meant what do you think of the meal.”
Me: Do you do any Iron Maiden?
Carol singers: no
never forget