[spooky noise comes from my closet]
monster under my bed: you heard that too right
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A real ice cream truck would have melted by now.
Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.
me: [trying to cheat in an exam]
teacher: I’m married
A friend sent me this and now I can’t think of anything else
The person that joins a Zoom meeting where everyone’s video is off and leaves their camera on is the same person that reminded the teacher that she forgot to assign that night’s homework.
WISE MAN 1: i bring Him gold, for He is king of kings
WISE MAN 2: i bring Him frankincense, for He is to be worshipped
WISE MAN 3: i bring Him myrrh, for praise in life and death
ME: and i signed the card, for i thought we were all sort of going in on this together
This is Facts right here 🤣🤣💀
Your bio says you’re 29, your selfies suggest you slept with Hemingway.
The only double penetrating I’ll ever do is eating the double stuff Oreo I just dropped into my coffee.
My favorite sound in the world is my kids laughter.
A close second is when their breathing changes indicating they’ve fallen asleep thus giving me permission to stare at my phone peacefully
Nobody:
Mime:
Mute person:
Fight club member:
Parrot:
Torturer who just boldly claimed he had ways of making people talk: oh no
Last night I woke up freezing and discovered that my husband had stolen all the covers. I did what any mature, married woman would do; I woke him up and told him I heard a strange noise downstairs.
[5 mins after being stranded on an island with a group of people]
Me: who do we eat first
Them: Can you recommend a show for me?
Me: Captain Caveman?
Them: Maybe something more for adults?
Me:
Them: Sorry.
Cashier: Did you find everything?
Me: Did you hide something?
Someone called me fat and I’m like first of all, if I didn’t want my pizza getting cold, I would so fight you right now.
[first date]
I’m really nervous about this. It’s been a long time since I’ve [holds fork up and squints] used silverware.
WHY WRITERS ARE STARING AT NOTHING
• they’re actually working shh this is the process
• haven’t slept in 19 years so this is a power nap
• hoping a bakery will appear
• just fell down a plot hole and horror is setting in
• about to scream
• any second now
• oh here they go
Sometimes I feel like a decent parent and sometimes my kids start fiddling with the volume and temperature in my car without asking.
i love those posts that are like “would you ruin your life for 1 million dollars???” babe i’m doing it for free
I kinda pictured myself robbing banks one day but my handwriting is horrible.
well, this sucks. apparently anti bird spikes work on you even if you’re not a bird but just like sitting high
All the girls I’ve ever kissed can agree on one thing. It’s weird that I have a beak.
(Mayday)
PILOT: I didn’t go thru 9 years of flight school to crash
ME: *relieved* Thank G-
P: I went through 0, so the crash will make sense
Netflix plants your dna at various crime scenes while you are asleep.
Aggressively singing “This Is How We Do It” while putting my husband’s clothes in the hamper instead of the floor.
Yet the one time I did, I got banned
time traveler: i love your volcano
pompeiian: our what?
time traveler: your mountain, your normal mountain
My ex sexually identifies with Ramen noodles, he’s done in 3 minutes
hitman: clearly you can’t afford my rates so i’m referring you over to my partner
hit or missman: i guarantee that i will either kill the target or get you sent directly to jail