Sportscenter, episode 542783747363467367984768474756431063389425993399064375493638386747899532689432462567953467347: Men talking animatedly.
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My wife is mad at me because I gave up looking for one particular black sock in a basket full of socks and after having pulled 7 different black socks out I quit.
Company loyalty can often be explained by Stockholm syndrome.
Since joining twitter I’ve started 2 new collections ………. Dust and cobwebs !
My ex : “Explain yourself”
Me : “Yourself” is used reflexively as the direct or indirect object of a verb or as the object of a preposition
The moment I met my mother-in-law, I could instantly tell that she was the type to unfairly judge me.
They say to avoid things that excite you when it’s time to sleep, but what’s more exciting than getting to sleep?
Before I got an iPhone all I heard from my husband was how “intuitive” their products were. And I couldn’t help wishing they made spouses.
*Running late
*Light turns green but car in front wont go
*About to honk when reads bumper sticker: honk if you love disco
*Is late for work
Me: Sometimes you just gotta dance like no one is watching.
Anesthesiologist: But right now I need you to hold still
I’m not saying I’m going to become a heart surgeon or anything but I DID just open the beginning of a new toilet paper roll with no rips.
Mirror, mirror on the wall…
Mirror: I said no.
The best murder weapon would be a tupperwear lid because nobody would ever find it
Pretty sure my dog is even ashamed of me right now, and I’ve seen him do some questionable shit.
Don’t ask.
✌️
me and the Superbowl rn
Apparently the term for migraine-sufferer is ‘migraneur.’ Nice getting recognition as a kind of artisan of suffering
Sloth is a deadly sin and an animal.
How come we don’t have animals named after the other deadly sins?
Hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil.
I can accomplish this if I avoid my mother.
Me: goodnight sweetheart
9: mummy!
Me: is it important
9: YES
Me: what’s up
9: do you think someone could live if they had organs and a skull but no other bones
Chef: What kind of bread would you like? We have wheat, rye, white…
Me: Black bread.
Chef: We don’t have that.
Me: Racist.
My lady bits are ready to be fertilized now….
Flirting is easy!
“Is there a Mrs. Prime?” — EVERY GIRL TRANSFORMER EVER, I MEAN LOOK AT HIM
Always keep your head up and stand proud! That way your double chin won’t show in your pictures.
Things that go bump in the night except it’s me sneaking back in from the pub.
Not all clowns are creepy. Many are just honest, hard-working operatives of Satan.
narrator: and here we see the majestic bal-
toupeed eagle: what?
Having a teen daughter the same shoe size as me is worth every single eye roll and sigh she dishes out because my shoe closet has doubled.
but whales can’t sink a sub
ORCAn they?
just left a huge legacy in there
[Arriving to cult meeting]
Cult leader: Did you bring the sacrifice?
Me, standing in a puddle of water:
Shit…I thought you said sack of ice.