Sportscenter, episode 542783747363467367984768474756431063389425993399064375493638386747899532689432462567953467347: Men talking animatedly.
You Might Also Like
my ancestors, who hunted and foraged for whatever food they could get, watching me have anxiety when I’m reading a menu:
Rare footage of my parents on their way to school.
I don’t care if it’s a Hell Hound or not, I’m still going to pet it.
garlic bread in the oven for 20 minutes:
still needs to bake11 seconds later:
it’s garlic dust now.
Adult life is constantly saying to your friends let’s do something soon and suddenly 6 months have gone by
Yup!
*takes a drag off a Lucky Strike*
me: I was one hell of an athlete back in the day.
young person: Oh yeah? What did you play?
me: Darts.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Off duty cop: No
*cop gets so close their mustaches interlock like velcro*
You’re driving great, pal
I tried to spell perseverance but I gave up in the end
My girlfriend’s daughter was laying across my legs.
Me: What am I a pillow now?
Her: Yep, and pillows don’t talk.
I think we’re bonding.
I’m smart, but not “I’ll stop talking while I’m still ahead” smart.
*trying to explain to the dog why we aren’t keeping the 3 foot traffic cone he found* listen babe I know you’re colorblind so this is a little hard to understand, but it matches literally nothing in the house. you’re going to obliterate the vibe.
(watching The Exorcist) She gets to miss so much school
A shock absorber sounds like something you need for when you’re watching the news.
TV lead me to believe grave digging would be a lot easier
I’ve started using Shrek as a unit of time, where 1 shrek = 1hr 35min (the length of the movie)
Examples:
“See you in a shrek!” (1hr 35min)
“Dinner will be ready in half a shrek.” (47.5min)
“My birthday is only 469.9 shreks away!” (1 month)
People are like plastic bags: Some are meant to fly, some have holes — but are still useful — and, well, others are full of dog shit.
PROSECUTOR: the defendant robbed 3 stores naked wearing only a teletubby mask
ME: *slams gavel* guilty as charged
Defendant: aren’t you my lawyer?
JUDGE: *missing his gavel* give that back
it sucks that a cape on your back makes you fly but a cape on your front just gets you a haircut
watching the football game but shaking my head the whole time so everybody knows i disagree with it
All my personalities waiting to see who gets to be in charge today
You burn more calories chasing after your cat than you get from eating it. It’s the celery of pets.
4: Let’s hunt turkeys, Daddy.
Me: How do we do that?
4: Put up a big sign that says, “Come here, Turkeys!”
I might be raising Elmer Fudd.
Mama? Is this true?!
#FewThingsAreMorePainfulThan
Is Mark short for something like Markathon?
The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wore masks to hide their identities from all the other walking and talking turtles
Me as a news anchor:
an explosion at a nearby t-shirt warehouse resulted in thousands of *turns head to other camera* casual tee casualties
Autoimmune disease means you’re invincible to dying in a car accident.
Wife: I’ll bet you $100 you can’t go a week without drinking.
Me: Piece of cake, babe.
[one week later]
Me: Just make that a liquor store gift card.