“Ewww what is wrong with your mouth?”
Me thru coated lips:
I read that peanut butter is good for chapped lips. What? You think I should have used creamy?
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I wonder how police on bikes arrest people.
“Alright get in the basket.“
When you pick your nose after dusting the house
The best thing about being an accountant is that everyone assumes you’re not a psychopath.
Whatcha eating over there? It sounds crunchy.
Hannibal Lecter: Doritoes
‘New year new me’ I whisper as I polish off a brick of cheese and pray that this year I’m not still lactose intolerant.
me: *taking off shirt* YOU WANT A PIECE OF ME???
dermatologist: once again, it’s called a biopsy
Roses are red, I have a phone. No one texts me, forever alone.
peppa pig implies the existence of salt pig
I bought myself hot pink earbuds so my son would quit stealing them and now my wife stole my earbuds.
*feels painful possible cavity*
*eats chocolate to feel better*
Jokes on them. I took 10.
My optimism doesn’t come out of thin air. A flask is involved.
Denial: No-one can stop me getting pictures of Spider-Man
Anger: You’re fired if you don’t get me pictures of Spider-Man
Bargaining: $100 for pictures of Spider-Man
Depression: Why can’t I get pictures of Spider-Man?
Acceptance: There are no pictures of Spider-Man
doctor: no heavy exercise for a month
me: I should get a bell to put by my bed so everyone will know if I need something
dr: normal activity should be fine
me: I should get a flatscreen for the ceiling
dr: uh
me: oooh I should hire someone to turn my pillows to the cool side
me: i’ll have a steak
waiter: sir this is a vegan restaurant
me: oh
waiter:
me: ok i’ll have a vegan
I hope my kids love the gifts they receive for Christmas so I’ll have more things to take away when I need to punish them
I’ve decided to try water tomorrow, I’m pretty excited.
Nurse: strip down to your underpants
Me: ok *removes pants to reveal second pair of pants*
[first day working at a movie theater]
guy: can I get one large popcorn
me: no but I can give you like a million regular popcorns
When people fall with their iPhone 6 in pocket and hear a crack sound:
“Please let it be my leg, Lord.”
(car dealer)
is the passenger seat also heated?
“Aww for ur wife?”
*imagines putting a fast food bag on warm seat after the drive-thru*
yes
We have family pictures in 10 days. If everyone starts getting ready now we can still be late.
He’s making a list, he’s checking it twice, he’s leaving the store, he still forgot milk
If a snake ate a cake
If a ship travels 24 knots per hour and the trip is five hours then how was there not enough room for Jack on that door??
me: i’ll have the mouse, please
waiter: that’s mousse, sir
me: never mind then, that’ll be way too much food
My tween, who wanted money, told me I don’t look a day over 41. I’m 40.
There’s no graceful way to shove a chocolate truffle in your mouth during an important Zoom meeting.
Free tip for home invaders: literally everybody with an iPhone6 is out at brunch right now
♫ Hey there Delilah, for your word spell Mississippi
“May I have the definition?”
The state siblings can get frisky ♪
and cousins toooo ♫