Spotify: hey, we make playlists catered to your unique tastes.
Spotify user: listens to 18 hours of Mongolian throat singing, Icelandic drumming bands and a peruvian death metal band.
Spotify: pls listen to drake
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The Chopped contestants open their ingredients box, each finding the head of a loved one. Two scream, the third is thinking “bourbon glaze”.
After handing a girl my mixtape I asked her if she was ready for TOTAL AURAL SATISFACTION not realizing what it had sounded like.
At some point you realize that world peace and inner peace are too much to wish for and ask for an extra piece of pizza instead
Open for business, 24/7
~my stomach
6YO: Daddy you’re so talented
Me: Awww Thank Y..
6YO: …this morning your snoring sounded like a pig was beat boxing
How do mathematicians plot their leg day workouts?
With quad-ratic equations.
Me: Ok I’m trusting you guys to stay home alone.
Kid 1: Ok.
Me: What are you doing.
Kid 1: Microwaving foil.
Me: What?! No. No metal in the microwave.
Kid 2: Are Hot Wheels cars metal?
Me: Um. Yeah but why-
Kid 1: OH just wrap the Hot Wheel cars in foil.
Me: I’m gonna stay home.
How much for the angry lawn gnome?
That’s my toddler.
If life gives you lemons, remember that they are the result of humans crossbreeding bitter oranges with citrons and do not occur naturally. Therefore life never gave you any lemons to begin with; we made them up.
Old age is when you need your glasses to find your glasses.
The Rock missed a huge opportunity not naming his daughter “Pebbles.”
I don’t like to brag about my cat-like reflexes.
That said, could someone please call for help?
I got startled and am stuck in a tree.
me: can i get some ketchup?
waiter: sir, this is a 3 michelin star restaurant
me: my apologies. may i please have some crème de tomato a la heinz
How do animals in children’s books always have nicer houses than mine when they don’t have jobs & all they do all day is learn life lessons?
Say what you will about the state of the world, but now feels like a really good time to start marketing my C̶u̶l̶t̶ C̶o̶m̶m̶u̶n̶e̶ Adult Summer Camp
client: i’m nervous
attorney: relax
prosecutor: the defendant is guilty
attorney: oh my god [looks at client]
client: what
attorney: you said you were innocent
F*** you and the horse you rode in on!
Horse: Look man, I was just giving this guy a ride.
I learn something new every day that I didn’t want to know.
Netflix should have a catergory called “easy to follow while looking at my phone the whole time”
Sure breakups are hard, but have you ever had to wait for your phone to stop ringing you so you can start using it again?
Watching Jaws with my 6 year old because I’m sick of going to the beach
Go home, Twitter. You’re drunk.
a tiny insect just tried to fly into my eye then immediately died on the bathroom sink, guys I think it saw my brain
*Show and tell day*
Me: You know what to do?
Daughter: Wait until I’m asked, then yell “it’s loose, cover your mouths!”
Me: *hands her an unoccupied terrarium* That’s my girl
Find a man who strokes your hair and says how soft it is and doesn’t even care that it’s on your legs.
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
Oh my. I haven’t laughed this hard in a while. Good ol’ Winnipeg. 🤣
[seeing a new mom pushing a baby in a stroller]
Me: GET A JOB!!
Her: ok wow, I literally just had my baby
Me: I WAS TALKING TO THE BABY!!
me: Why is Spider Man in the freezer?
7 year old: He knows why