SPOUSE: Why is there a cow in the front yard?
ME: Remember how I really wanted a riding lawnmower, but we couldn’t afford one?
SPOUSE: Yeah.
ME: Well, for entirely unrelated reasons I stole a cow.
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*Gets arrested for making prank phone calls
[At Police Station]
“You can make one phone call”
*Dials random #
“Is your fridge running?”
Most accidents happen within a 2 block radius of your home. That is why I park my car 3 blocks away and walk. Can never be too safe.
Honey, can we skip that wedding this weekend?
“What? Why?”
It sounds boring and there’s no way that couple makes it..
“It’s OUR wedding!”
[at a boat store]
Salesperson: Can i help you?
Me: (acting like I know what I’m doing) yes, I’d like to see your models that float please.
My 5 year old is going to be a witch for Halloween. But she doesn’t want to wear a hat. No wig, either. The black dress? Too itchy. Oh, and she’s not down with green makeup. The only part of the costume she likes is the broom. My 5 year old is going to be a janitor for Halloween.
it’s Thanksgiving day. i’m carving a turkey. “ahem” i hear from across the house. it’s my old violin instructor. i sigh and then pick up the turkey, put it under my chin and continue an elegant sawing motion. she nods with approval.
in 2nd grade we had to draw what we wanted to be when we grew up and i just drew myself with sunglasses on
airlines: “you can purchase a can of beer”
me: 😃
“it’s $9”
😩
“there’s a 50/50 chance we’ll forget to come back and charge you”
😃
My husband at 3 AM: What’s that noise? What’s that noise? What’s THAT noise? I can’t sleep.
My husband when I’m talking to him, in his ear, with a megaphone: What? Sorry, I didn’t hear you.
who called it rolling over in the grave instead of a plot twist.
little known fact: less famous brother, eustice wright, invented flying a spoon of vegetables into babies’ mouths
*a town in which the production of little marshmallow treats has been banned*
mayor: i don’t want another peep out of any of you
When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.
Today’s Google Searches, Thanksgiving Edition:
Just know that somebody out there is thinking of you, and you should really lock your doors.
wife: know what today is?
me: yep
wife: on 2
together: 1, 2
wife: Happy Anniver..
me: 3 MONTHS UNTIL..
wife:..sary
me:
wife:
me: ..Santa
Ok who decided there’s no plural for certain words? Wtf did sheep and pasta do to deserve such disrespect!
[little snake covering himself with glue before school so his crush will think he started shedding]
Let them kids believe in Santa! You believe you’re cute no one says shit
I always assume people with red cars were drunk when they went to the dealership.
Turn up? At my age, I’m just happy when I can turn over.
I ordered botox instead of a bowflex and you can’t tell but I’m mad
when spiderman jumps from building to building why isn’t it called peter parkour
boss: can you fit me into your schedule
me: schMEdule
Not willing to admit he made a wrong turn, Dad threw Tic Tacs out the car window to little kids watching the parade from the curb.
Jehovahs Witnesses: do you have time to talk about our lord and savior?
Me: of course! please come in!
[door slams shut and locks]
[lights dim]
[my PowerPoint presentation begins]Me: but first I wanna tell you about a timeshare opportunity!!!
I didn’t see San Andreas because I heard there’s not a scene where a therapist tells the seismologist, “It’s not your fault.”
The concept of dominant hands is hilarious to me. That one of our hands is just like no, I’m not helping
My favorite genre of tweet is “person born after I graduated college feels old”
Colleagues who feel the need to say “You either love me or hate me!” are oblivious to the fact that it’s always the latter.