*spraaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaays Axe body spray*
~ guys with ponytails
You Might Also Like
{At the last supper}
Group- “can you believe jesus just turned this water into wine!”
Me- {cutting up lines of table salt} “jesus, could you do me a favor?”
Just ruined $387 worth of blinds in the house but that fly is dead.
[walks date home]
HER: Wanna come up for a nightcap?
ME: I gotta work early
HER: I have 2 dogs
ME:[already running up stairs like Rocky]
[slowly rises from trashcan while 2 friends are making plans without me]
i am also free that day.
Of all the essential oils WD40 is the essentialist.
I just responded to a text message with: I can’t hear you, you’re breaking up
If you thought going to the movies was expensive before, now you need a boat
[boarding a plane]
me: I’m nervous
steward: oh why?
me: *leans in for kiss*
*works from home*
*files claim for hostile work environment*
[boarding plane with really old pilot]
“think his heart will hold out? lol”
attendent: excuse me, sir?
“depart out, what time do we leave?”
My kid has been not so subtley asking when April 1st is for the last three days and I am afraid to get out of bed
Text:
OMG! I can’t believe you tweet such
vile, offensive, filthy, sick things.
You should be removed from society.
GET HELP!Love Mom XO
My bf bought a kazoo and in unrelated news he can’t find it for some reason..
Oh my god gurrrll, he said WHAT? Told you men are trash now did I, alright gimme the tea!
“When I said Legos, I meant Roblox, but don’t worry about it. Santa knows what I meant.”
My 4YO, on the evening of December 23rd.
I never related to movies as a kid. Like in Home Alone when Kevin says to his Mother “I am upstairs you dummy” I couldn’t understand how he was still alive after that.
Flannel? Well plaid hipsters, well plaid.
Trying to do deadlifts at the gym, but I can’t figure out where they hide the bodies.
When my girlfriend makes me angry, I look at her through the fork and pretend she’s in jail. It heals me spiritually
this is going to be a tight week. is stealing still wrong and stuff?
When someone trying to leave me
*purposely chooses network with most dropped calls*
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: *slams fist* only a super villain would ask that!
*walls fall over revealing secret lab*
My tween would like you to know I ruined his life when I told him to stop being super sus and cringe and be more lit yo.
I think I will start calling my wife “My Customer” since she is always right…
I had to quit jogging because I kept dropping my hotdog.
My drink of choice is vodka because I never recovered from those images of people stomping on grapes with their bare feet
Guess who doesn’t want to hear your kid sing? Everyone. The answer is everyone, so stop it.
[At the pearly gates]
Me: what was it like, watching my life from up here?
Saint Peter: the book was so much better.
I’m going to open a food truck that sells chicken sandwiches. Park it next to Chick-fil-A and open it only on Sundays
It will be called Side Chick.