I love how there’s just no social rules at the airport. Wanna sleep on the ground in public? Cool. A shot of tequila and beer at 7am? Right on, normal stuff. Also the dogs are cops.
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I’m thinking of a color between 1 and 10. Correct guessers get a lollipop.
Women who always hustle to clean the house before the maid service arrives..
What the hell is wrong with you?!
The local casino is hosting a speed dating event.
Just what every woman needs, a new boyfriend with a gambling problem.
*sees hot guy
*wiggles eyebrows
*licks lips
*winks, contact lens falls into coffee, sips coffee, gags on contact lens*mouths* “call me”
*gets down on 1 knee*
OMG
*puts 2nd knee down*
WHAT?
*lays on floor*
JIM?
*snake noises*
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
*slithers out of relationship*
Forget teleportation or invisibility. If I could have any superpower it would be the ability to attain the perfect salsa to chip ratio every time.
Outfit choices
Work: jeans & a t-shirt
Hanging out: jeans & a t-shirt
Special event: jeans & a t-shirt
Stalking your ex: jeans & a t-shirt
Having a nice lunch: jeans & a t-shirt
Doctor appt: khakis & a nice shirt so you appear to have it together
I take issue with furniture that deliberately moves 1 inch when you’re in a rush to get by.
if ghosts r real why are there no dinosaur ghosts? think about that, but u won’t bc i just blew your mind with something called logic, idiot
I walk around my yard with a fake neck tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.
Sober me: I hate drunk people
Me after first drink: WHERE MY DRUNK PEOPLE AT
My boss accidentally muted himself on this zoom meeting 20 minutes ago and none of us have told him
If my grandfather were alive today he’d be trapped in a box underground. Horrible to think about really.
I once attended a wedding on short notice. My wife signed the card for us, and because they were my friends she accidentally addressed it to the bride and their cat, because I had talked about their cat more than my friend
Still my favourite meme.
me: i’ve been hearing voices
psychiatrist:
me:
psychiatrist: u don’t have a psychiatrist
I hate it when I’m digging my own grave at gunpoint and I discover buried treasure.
Walking around Boston lost and I turned on Google maps and started walking while looking at it. Walked straight into a stop sign.
escape room employee: would you like a hint?
me: hmm this door says PUSH which likely stands for Pull Until Secrets Happen
Boss to our group: “Let’s talk about what inspires you. Mike, you go first.”
Me: *Goes home*
ONE NIGHT STAND, really?? Please. What kind of girl you think I am? Like, no thanks babe, I need my bedroom furniture symmetrical.
help my (23M) fireflies (10,000) have unionized against me
*goes shopping without makeup and a hair in the messy bun*
“Hi everybody I ever met since 1999”
[first day on wind farm]
me: *placing bucket under turbine* what do I squeeze
Welcome to Flavourtown I’m Gouy Fieouri
This is one of the many reasons that I am chubby
No one girl should have all that power. 😂
Texting my boss to let him know how excited I am for work tomorrow
Got excited because I found $20 in the laundry. Then I remembered my kids don’t have jobs and the money was probably mine.