*sprains wrist doing sports
“MY NACHO HAND!”
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“Objection your honor, the defense is badg-”
BADGERING THE WITNESS! JINX! You can’t talk.
*Judge gives a respectful nod* “Case dismissed.”
I banged my toe really hard on the sofa, and now it won’t stop texting me.
Psychiatrist is just a fancy word for mood critic.
All I’m saying is if you wake up in the middle of the night to pee and see that it’s only 11:30pm, you might be getting old.
October begins the tradition of removing the expired salad from the crisper drawer and renaming it the Reese’s drawer.
My wife asked me today if I would ever cheat on her. I replied, “Who else would I cheat on?”
Date: you don’t look anything like your profile photo
Me: *now crying*
Date: there you are
Not to be too political but liquid shouldn’t drip out first when you’re squeezing out mustard.
My 8yo isn’t concerned about Covid-19 because she can, as she puts it:
Survive in harsh conditions.
She’s never even been been camping.
I know for a fact that the devil exists because I have to pee real bad every time I finish chopping a jalapeño
Close your eyes. Picture a world without hunger. Open your eyes. I ate your sandwich.
Look, I’m not saying he’s a bad dentist. I’m just saying maybe you should check his references.
I’ve decided today I’m following the lead of my 2 yr old and I’m just gonna close my eyes so no one can see me.
computer: “save this image as 6606499f1e5c84d7c30.png?”
me: “yea”
I’m 37 and from the Midwest, every man I know is named Matthew, I’m going to need you to be more specific.
-Me when my mom say she saw Matthew today.
“don’t invite a vampire into your home” buddy i don’t invite anyone into my home.
“You know that’s not even a word, right?” I said, condescendingatively
The moment I wake up
Before I put on my makeup
I say a little prayer for you…r underwear elastic to break because I don’t wish bodily harm on you but I think you deserve to be mildly inconvenienced.
Look dude, I’m going to need to see alot more chest hair and jewelry if you want into my Disco party
[tour of zoo]
kid: “i think its a elephant”
me: “are you giving the tour”
kid:
me: “anyway as i was saying this is the big snake face thing”
One way to tell if a funeral home is not very good is if they send your loved one’s cremated ashes to someone else by mistake. That’s a dead giveaway.
Making reservations for one at a fancy restaurant because every now and then, I like to be wined and dined before I take advantage of myself
My daughter is playing “Away in a Manger” on the recorder if anyone wanna come over.
Launched an important petition today. This is a cause that’s very dear to my heart
[Pulls away from kissing]
So you do want me to interview for the cat juggling job?
I have two selves:
One wants to be skinny and my jeans to fit. The other is a fat, hungry monster who would murder her own grandmother for a butterfinger.
mugger: gimme all your cash
me: lmao my what
my father: enjoying the marching band?
me: yes 🙂
my father: when you grow up will you be the savior of the broken, beaten, and damned and defeat your demons & nonbelievers? cuz one day i’ll leave you, a phantom to-
me: feels like youve got some of your own stuff going on here
Always trust the judgements of a man who honestly answers to the question ‘What’s up?’
When people talk about enriching their lives, I assume they’ve found a way to add more cheese.