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I have an irrational fear that I’m accidentally making up words. I don’t want to be misunderstandable.
Nobody talks about Dumbo anymore…
He’s irrelephant
Counting calories is a great way to combine super fun things like math and not eating.
Spoiler alert: The people who can’t believe your kid is in Kindergarten already won’t be able to believe they’re in any grade, any year ever
I think the inventor of the internet likely didn’t intend for it to be used to post videos of simians reacting to humans doing magic tricks.
genie: i can grant u any three wishes, anything u desire
me: ok i wish for a mcflurry
genie: ah sorry the machine isn’t working right now
I missed my calling in advertising.
“Chocolate diamonds, for when you want your expensive jewelry to look like actual shit.”
Hubs: *under breath* No, no, please noooo…
Me: *about to say “he’s right here” and hand him the phone*
I should probably do some housework before they try to film the next Febreeze commercial here.
my mom: fix this for me
also my mom: no, not like that
still my mom: it’s not working
mom: wait it is now
It’ll be a cold day in hell. Cloudy in purgatory, with a slight chance of rain. And clear skies up in heaven. Now over to Jim with sports.
I dreamt there was a program called “tigers in tiaras” and you know what?
I’d watch that
Even in mid-air, when we
can see nothing but the clouds, my kid can still rock the question, ‘are we there yet’
The great thing about roadkill is you can teach your kid about wildlife and road safety simultaneously
Johnny Depp could lose 250 hands of strip poker in a row and wouldn’t even have all his thumb rings off yet.
A lot of people are mad that I broke into the zoo and dyed all the bears white. It’s polarizing.
Me: Can we discuss my X-ray?
Doctor: We can try, but I never met him
[boxing match]
TRAINER: Give him the old ‘one-two’
CHAMP: I’m not too good at math
TRAINER: Ok…a left and a right
CHAMP: Or politics
No thank you, I don’t need a coaster. I won’t be putting my drink down.
Girl in the locker room put her pants on the floor and tried to hop into them. I was going to call her awesomepants, but coma girl works too
History fun fact:
In the Middle Ages, anyone could get a concealed carry permit. You never knew who might have a trebuchet tucked under their coat or a siege tower in their pants. Dangerous times.
“where do you see yourself in-“
i’m just tryna make it through the day bro
I try to live my life everyday as if it were my last. And who wants to do laundry on their last day? Not me…
“What should we call our matches?”
“I dunno, something normal”
in the song “the final countdown” they do not actually count down, thus invalidating the basis of the song. furthermore,
Guys, stop telling women “you’re beautiful” get creative. Tell her she looks like she could beat Taylor Swift in a fight. Tell her she looks like she could make nachos that would **ck you up for a week. Tell her she reminds you of a guy you knew in prison.
I’ve had no formal martial arts training, but I know for a fact the Power Rangers are wasting too much energy on unnecessary summersaults
I’ve never dated a man for his mind, but I would if I ever met a man that had one.
Delta Airlines Execs: oh COME on!!
Corona Beer Execs: FINALLY!!
I have friends close enough to finish my sentences, but if they keep doing that, I will hang up on them.