Sprayed a spider with some Davidoff Cool Water & it didn’t die. Now I’m just stuck with a spider that I wanna bang.
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Mean while, back on Facebook, Jennifer is blaming the birth of her son for her being fat.
Her son is 6 ….
The coconut is very versatile. It can be eaten or be used to make a radio.
[titanic, 1912]
Captain: what kind of lettuce do u want on your sandwich
First mate: ICEBERG
Captain: lol no need to shout, Dave
Are people with googly eyes better at searching for stuff?
Man Who Didn’t Order Anything Online Still Checks Name On Package Just In Case Amazon Sent Him A Little Present
Imposter syndrome: I am surrounded by beings of impossible, cosmic intelligence
Also imposter syndrome: I, an incompetent, have tricked them all
dog: i want to go to up to the stars with you
astronaut: space is a vacuum
dog: i’ll see you when you get back
son: Where’s mom? I need her to sign my permission slip
me: I can do it
son: My teacher said it has to be an adult
[Olive Garden]
Me: *walks in*
Hostess: *hands me shovel* Bury the bodies in the back.
Me: Huh?
Hostess: When you’re here you’re family.
A harried Japanese guy is ushering me to the starting blocks of the 400 meter sprint. Please help i dont want this. I am not fast
We all look like talking skeletons to Superman. Even his parents. I don’t know how that kid slept at night.
i love meeting boys on tinder
[First Date]
Me: So, Construction?
Him: Yeah
M: You nail stuff? With your big hammer?
H:
M: Like to screw?
H:
M: Hey! Where are you going?
healthy as a horse? they literally can’t walk down the street without shitting themselves but sure, ok
[space mission studying behaviour of snakes on the moon]
astronaut: “we should’ve taken our own”
astronaut holding net: “just keep looking”
Still far too much of my kitchen cupboard space is taken up by ingredients that I needed 5g of for a recipe that I made once 9 years ago, which tasted awful.
airlines should have an option where you can book distances rather than just destinations. here’s 100 bucks, take me as far as that’ll get me. just drop me in the Atlantic ocean, I’ll figure it out.
Found an old, dead mosquito in a storage box. You guys want to try and make a Jurassic Park?
I’m aging like a fine banana
Dog tried taking me for a run. I wasn’t having it. I made her drag me the whole time.
Who called them mermaids and not scale models?
Cashier: Can I see some ID?
Me *Points to my 13yo son*
Me: Ugh, no more wine! My face looks puffy!
Me, 20 minutes later: *sips a glass of wine while wearing gel face mask*
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
[on the 7th day]
Dodo Bird: those humans you made, are they uh safe?
God: yeah totally harmless little dude
Dodo: *watching Adam sharpen a stone* c-can you maybe keep an eye on them?
God: *biting into a kit-kat* sure thing buddy
If Twitter is a rave then Facebook is a Tupperware party.
Me: I like the funny horse cartoon
Bojack: you inherit your parents’ trauma but you will never fully understand it
Me: haha the cops a cat
[being held back by fireman as i try to run back in the house during earthquake]
“MY ETCH A SKETCHES”
[runs in out of breath, hands on my knees]
*you’re
Dear sneeze, if you’re gonna happen, happen. Don’t put a stupid look on my face and then just leave.