Why are you even asking me that mom. I love jumping off bridges, either by myself or as a group, you know that.
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Yes, Andrew Tate may own 33 gas guzzling cars, but Greta Thunberg now owns one Andrew Tate.
If Trump wins I’m moving to my last Sim City 2000 save file.
Me: Not today, Satan.
Her: Mom, stop calling me that.
Questions my toddler asked me this week:
– Which is better, a tree or yogurt?
– Do frogs know that they are frogs?
– Why do they still make regular blueberries when the chocolate ones are better?
– Were you ever alive?How about your kid?
Kids are the worst CIA agents. I KNOW WATERBOARDING SUCKS KATIE BUT YOU CAN’T TELL THE TALIBAN EVERYTHING FOR A CAPRI SUN YOU IDIOT
Absence does not make the heart grow fonder.
Unless you’re talking about Oreos.
It’s so funny when someone writes a song to try to get someone to have sex with them. That’s what a bird would do!
I go by many names but I’m usually referred to as Plan B.
Video games have given me an unrealistic expectation of how easy it should have been to get sneakers on a hedgehog.
Kids threaten us with things like, “I’ll just go to my room forever,” and then we let them think we don’t like it
Just noticed there’s no comma in “Bed Bath & Beyond” and honestly, a bed bath would solve a lot of my problems.
massive power vacuum on bluesky atm and i aim to fill it
Me and my 4yo tried to high five each other for like 5 min which shows we are both very determined but also very very uncoordinated.
FRIEND: Hey, how are you doing?
ME (who goes to a lot of concerts): Wooooo.
Smile for the camera. Laugh for the pencil sharpener. Dance for the refrigerator
COP: I need to search your car.
ME: Sure, google whatever you want officer.
The cat seems really pissed off. He must have only had 22 hours sleep.
Lady you have taken “hot mess” to a whole new level, you’re more a scorching havoc really
“Damn girl are you?” -Existentialist pick-up line
Me:
– cures cancer
– saves endangered species
– discovers Atlantis
– solves energy crisis
– finds all missing childrenMy mom:
But did you remember to send out your thank yous? Can’t you do something about blindness? Don’t forget to call your aunt Cathy…
Most people like a little something to remember you by.
Skidmarks going out of the driveway isn’t one of those things.
A man reading a thesaurus saunters into a tavern.
I don’t care how much you pay for sushi- you are getting a raw deal.
“Mr. President, you have some Updog in east Syria.”
“What’s Updog?”
“[unfurls projector screen] Updog is a military terrorist organizati
Sometimes I purposefully dress my toddler in mismatched pajamas just to make my wife’s head explode.
ME: scalpel
NURSE: scalpel
M: sclissors
N: scissors
M: neeble
N: are u sure u should operate on ur own brain
M: *nods head diagonally* toast
[waxing salon]
ME: I need to make a waxing appointment.
ASSOCIATE: You want a Brazilian?
ME: No, I don’t need that many.
Text from FedEx: Your package will arrive last Saturday lololol
i have faced more peer pressure to drink oat milk than to do drugs
My wife’s biggest fear isn’t that we’ll die from Coronavirus, it’s that we’ll die from Coronavirus and the kids will go through our stuff and find out that mom and dad were into some really freaky shit.