It may be an unpopular opinion, so block me if you must, but not all Girl Scout cookies are good. Their “Toast-yay!” should be called “Toast-boo!”
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ALIEN: take me to ur leader
ME: ok
[later at zoo]
A: wtf
M: a lemur
A: I said leader
M: well ur ship is so loud I couldn’t hear a damn thing
I didn’t believe in miracles until I folded the laundry this morning and all the socks had a match.
I never realized my dog has the same last name as me until I took him to the vet.
Him: How’d you get so cute?
Me: I-I-my gosh, I really don’t know. I’m not very good at biology.
Before towels were invented people rubbed themselves against the carpet.
My children can go an entire day at home without a glass of water but only 30 seconds in the car before dehydration sets in.
[Teaching pet elephant to wash the car]
ok Stompy fill your nose with water and spray it
*elephant crushes car*
why did I name you Stompy
Never lose touch with your inner Wednesday Addams.
If you try and fight South Park they will just turn around and do another episode about you. 😬
If I’ve learned anything from movies, it’s that if you are investigating something important and get shot, you have to leave the hospital, even though the doctors say you shouldn’t.
her: you seem really upset, what’s up?
me: [thinking about how many people died before cinnamon toast crunch was invented and will never know what it tastes like] uh just work stuff i guess
Auto correct is my worst enema.
technically true but not a great slogan
My phone battery dies faster than a black guy in a horror movie.
After my ex and I broke up, I was in a really bad place (Florida)
I love making pasta when I have a ton of dirty dishes in the sink. just dump that hot water in there when you’re done, and bam! you’ve got dinner and a set of totally clean dishes!
I’m so cultured I’m practically yogurt.
I don’t know what his crime was, but he seems like my kind of people.
A Serial Killer Known For Ripping Out Tounges Entered The Buzzfeed Office And What He Did Next Left Us Speechless
[i walk into the Popes room as he’s napping] hey can i – stop screaming, ur gonna have a heart attack- can i borrow your hat for a snapchat?
[Jeopardy]
Disease for $500 Alex
“Dysentery, Typhoid, Bubonic Plague, Dengue Fever”
What’s better than catching a man cold?
“Correct!”
Whenever my husband “puts something away” I’m always suspect. I mean, it’s not as if he really knows where anything goes.
No one wants to talk about Dracula’s defining quality, turning into thousands of bats to avoid human contact.
wife: he uses food as a crutch
marriage counselor: is this true
me: [walks in twirling giant carrot] maybe
Me – You almost ready?
Wife – Just a few more minutes. What time do we have to be there?
Me – Yesterday at 7.
[date]
Me, struggling to pronounce things on the menu: I’ll just have the chicken nouj-
Date: nuggets
My body is a temple, but it’s one of those temples in Thailand where they let monkeys shit all over the place
A COWORKER BROUGHT HER INFANT INTO THE OFFICE LET’S ALL CROWD AROUND AND TERRIFY IT. -women
Beer doesn’t have many vitamins that’s why you need to drink lots of it
Remember when you used Twitter to update friends & family on where you were, & what you were doing?
Yeah, me neither.