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@WineyBeach78: Spread me apart, lick, & enjoy my cream!
~Oreos, you pervs
@causticbob: I saw an Indian asleep on the train, noticed the little red dot on his forehead, and thought, "Is he on standby?"
@Smooheed: 'Sorry officer but how was I to know that weird noise my car was making was a bicycle stuck in my mudflap?'
@MaryKoCo: Comment on every picture of someone's dog, "What is this"
@hpb777: My husband's doing that cute thing again where he thinks he's right.
*throws his shit out on the lawn*
*makes a bonfire*
@bfrosty04: Sometimes when I'm sad, I'll go to the park and, from a distance, look thru my thumb and index finger and begin squishing people's heads...