[strip to the waist for my fight club debut]
Opponent: “dude they meant the top half” *walks away*
[I claim victory and retire undefeated]
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Laundry needs to be put away.
I look at the basket.
The basket looks at me.
Old western shoot our music looms in the background.
first person to peel a carrot: this needs to be slightly smaller
Any dog can be a guide dog if you don’t care where you’re going
An internet atheist is involved in some kind of drama? No way.
Him: I like you.
Me: *starts game timer*
The door bell rang, I opened and saw my lost sock lying on the porch. I brought it in quietly and we both decided just to let it go.
If you see a man running down the street tonight, blowing a whistle & wearing a life guard shirt…don’t worry, I’m just chasing my dream.
serial killers saw these glasses and were like “yoooooo”
Ordinary things that become AMAZING once you’re a parent:
-showers
-sitting down to eat
-drinking coffee while it’s hot
-pooping
when you smoosh the tiny bar of soap into the big bar of soap and make them one soap
[texting my fiancé the night before our wedding] are we still on for tomorrow
if ur ever losing an argument all u have to say is “yeah yeah yeah, save it for the judge” and walk away
*at lawyer’s office*
Me: I want to divorce my idiot wife, she’s seeing a surgeon
*idiot wife pops out from under desk* that’s so not true!
1995: oh cool, an online book store
2025: “please scan this qr code and take a brief survey in order to flush your toilet”
Bartender: What are you drinking tonight?
Me: A lot.
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
[PetSmart]
Why pay $30 for a bird when I can pay $10 & grow like 1000 of them?
*throws bag of bird seed in cart*
I’m such a smart shopper.
[being carried out of the zoo on a stretcher] not all hyenas are scared of the name Mufasa, I know this now
Got my son a bumper sticker
“Proud Child of a Twitter Dad” …and now he proudly displays it
on the inside of his trunk.
[runs thru the funeral chasing a bagpipe player]
“Stop hurting that octopus!”
Phones down.
If your spouse’s loud chewing bothers you, imagine how much it tortures the poor begging dog.
“What are we doing here, Marcy?”
“Seeing how I’d look with bangs.”
If I agreed with you, we’d both be wrong
Accidentally used a toe of newt and eye of frog and now Kermit wears a monocle.
Me: …at aol dot com
Cashier: at a…?
M: at aol dot com
Cashier: at ao…?
Me: at aol dot com
Cashier: Ma’am, are you crying?
ANNOYING SHIT THAT’S HAPPENING:
Fourth grader’s constant use of the phrase, “I know from experience…”.
Wife: He misunderstands everything.
Counsellor (to me): What does she mean?
Me: It’s a feminine pronoun.
[walks in to UPS store holding rabid raccoon]
Hi my boyfriend said he wants to take a break so I’d like to ship him this please.
Fun tip:
Go to carnivals, scatter nuts and bolts around rides to cut down on wait times.
*thumbs up*