@TheGoodGodAbove: Congrats to #LeonardoDiCaprio on his first Best Actor Oscar. You can stop sacrificing goats now.

@JessObsess: I had fruit and yogurt for breakfast. And 6 donuts for second-breakfast.

@Terdoh: My father put a lot of pressure on me as a child. He used to say stuff like "You're five years old? When I was your age I was six!"

@MarfSalvador: [Interview room] Me: I'm not saying a word without my lawyer present Cop: You ARE the lawyer Me: So where's my present?!

@Mostly_Cheese: i'm tired of the phrase "too bad" so from now on I'm saying "that's cactuses" and if you don't like it well that's cactuses