@Love_bug1016: [first date] Him: I love Asian girls Me: [trying to act all Asian] *smiles *starts sweating *attempts to pick up chopsticks *fumbles *chopstick goes flying *stabs him in the eye Him: No, not like that

@PAPIKAIBITCH: SOME GIRLS GET BEATEN UP BY THEIR BOYFRIENDS AND STICK AROUND SAYING "I SEE SOMETHING IN HIM" LIKE WTF YOU SEE??? A REMATCH?

@mortimermaiden: Me: I need to go to the doctor but my car won't start. Mechanic: Did you try jumping it? Me: Of course, how did you think I broke my legs?

@anerdonfire2: The downside of dating intelligent women is having to Google what they call you when it ends badly

@canadian_jane: Twitter is cool because it makes me look like I'm texting my friends instead of talking to myself.