It’s like all of my wife’s friends say – stop sucking on my loofah and get out of my house
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it’s cute when your doc says to be on strict bed rest when you have a 10 mo old and your husband is gone. lol i’ll just call my magic fairies. they can handle it and probably even wash the car and then we can all dance around together and eat pizza without getting fat
I stole one of those Krispy Kreme “HOT NOW” signs and hung it over our bed because good communication is important in a marriage.
handy tip: if a bigger dude wants to fight you, immediately start crying so people just think you two are breaking up
3: when I’m 5 I’ll do all the cleaning and cooking on the weekend so you and daddy can stay in bed
Me: *hands her pen to sign legally binding contract*
Technically, everyone owns at least one skeleton, and they all sleep with it in their bed
Wifi so slow at my parent’s house that we actually got to know each other better.
Aliens: “Take us to your leader.”
Me: “I would wait.”
[first day as waiter]
Customer: Do you ever have second thoughts?
Me: *sweating* I can ask the chef.
I alway get the same thing every year for Christmas. Fat
My son: little pig, little pig, let me in!
Me: Ok first of all, rude because, yes, I have been eating more lately, no need to get personal son
My son: say your line mummy!
Me: not by the hair of my ch- OK I’M NOT PLAYING ANYMORE
If you missed any of the most recent presidential debate, you can catch one side of it on any given Facebook friend’s page.
My husband texted me from work to ask if our son’s cough was wet or dry and I was like whoa whoa whoa, there’s only room for one fake doctor in this family
I saw a tweet saying liberals should create their own Captain America. They did. In 1940.
She complained to me that she found her boyfriend’s picture on a dating sight then got mad at me for asking why she was on the site. I should never answer my phone pre coffee.
I had a dream I killed someone, and all I did was panic about being caught…and cry.
Now I know I’d be a terrible murderer.
imagine an evil whale. you can’t. what would it even do
SHAGGY: what did the vet say you have
SCOOBY DOO: rabies
SHAGGY: zoinks i didn’t even know you could get pregnant
I’m so happy that I got rid of my $250 cable so I can spend $500 on streaming services.
My husband said I need a scary costume for Halloween this year, so I’m dressing up as a Positive Pregnancy Test.
Whatever you say to someone, do it while slowly landscaping a tiny zen garden to really bring it home.
[office]
BOSS: are you busy
ME: would you like me to be
“these fit like a glove,” i whisper, sliding effortlessly into my five legged pants
One thing I’m good at is making grocery lists.They are some great damn lists.They don’t come to the store with me. But they are sweet lists.
I got a haircut and grabbed some
shampoo at the checkout line.Her : “Do you want a bag ?”
Me : “OMG…is the haircut that bad ?”
Her :
[Chocolate Cake 101]
Sober: Use a fork
Stoned: Use your fingers
Drunk: Use your face
Anakin: I built my droid from scratch
Obi-Wan: You’re a prodigy, I bet you’ll use this skill your whole life
Anakin: Nah just until I win space NASCAR then never again lol
The quickest way to double your money is to hold it in front of a mirror.
Elephant Mum: Never forget where you came from.
Elephant Son: Mum, I’m an elephant; I’m hardly going to forget a thing like that.
Elephant Mum: It’s an expression.
Elephant Son: What is?
The postman told me he was off to Spain tomorrow. I asked if he was going to Parcelona. He didn’t even smile
Do you think it’s weird that the only reason we still have landlines is so cops in movies can wake each other up in the middle of night?