Spring cleaning checklist…
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I could NOT have put it better myself.
Did you know most Americans only get to spend 2-3 hours with a new video game after launch before returning to work?
Paid. Gamer. Leave.
Three simple words I will make law when gamers around the country rise up and take back control of this country (which we founded, btw).
my nurse asked if i was born in the US and i said “no, i was born abroad” and then there was a long silence followed by her saying “can you please help me? i can’t find ‘Abroad’ on this list…” and showed me a drop down list of countries…
I’m no auto mechanic but I’m pretty good at letting people who drive behind me know whether or not they need new brakes
Mistletoe, poinsettias, and holly berries are all toxic plants that can potentially be harmful to humans and pets.
Here’s a great idea, let’s decorate our house with them for Christmas!
*punches a fish* that’s for tsunamis
Best thing for your hangover…me playing “My Heart Will Go On” for you on the kazoo.
me: well, you know, change is inedible
her: i think you mean inevitable
me: *spitting out several nickels* nope
ME: what are those little bugs hovering around the basket of grapes?
GUY: fruit flies I think
ME: *rolls eyes* no it doesn’t, doug
son: why is my name jesus
dad: mom wanted to name u after a rolemodel
other son: &me?
dad: well Charizard the same reason but it was my turn
i listed my ex as my emergency contact at my new job bc if i have a heart attack i need to tell kathy to burn in hell one last time
In the next James Bond movie 007 has to prevent a Congolese arms dealer from selling nuclear-grade plutonium to a Nevada couple planning a gender reveal
Farmers who aren’t pro tractors, what’s your angle?
Scientist: The outside of your phone is the dirtiest thing in the world.
Me: Lol, you haven’t seen the inside.
shit! I’m going to be hairy late!!!!
When you have to marry your mother-in-law
Kinda rude TikTok has “hiding your double chin hacks” in my algorithm.
2024 is starting to feel like it needs to be left outside until we see if it can act right.
I luv putting on warm underwear straight out of the DRYER…
Plus, it’s fun to figure out who they belong to at the laundromat.
A sweater so itchy it feels like it was made from scratch.
Whenever I’m in doubt, I ask myself “What would Jesus do?” then I remember Jesus got crucified, his decision making skills weren’t brilliant
Every time I bend over to pick something up, my husband magically appears behind me.
I think the lady at the movies is “shushing” me, but I can’t tell because I’m eating Doritos.
Haha, all I’m saying is there’s no need to put a little umbrella in my drink… It’s already wet.
Smooth criminal but it’s just me opening a bag of chips after everyone’s in bed.
What do you mean a good old fashioned ribbing has nothing to do with this rack of baby backs?
I love how we all talk about The Last Supper painting & nobody mentions that all 13 of those guys were sitting on the same side of the booth
Sharon I have some bad news
[girlfriend in a coma]
*leans in close to whisper* babe, if you can hear me…where the hell did you buy that zesty mayo?
If my girl didn’t want me to wear her new Christmas thong, she shouldn’t have said she bought it “for me.”
Women are confusing.