Spring cleaning checklist…
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[at a dinner party]
Me: I saw a UFO once
Wife: It was a frisbee
Me: At the park
Wife: Frisbee
Me: I took a pic
Wife: Of a frisbee in the air
Me: *shows pic*
Friend: Looks like a…
Wife: Frisbee
My parties got a hundred times better when I realized if I didn’t invite anybody I could eat all the snacks.
One time I saw a biker’s funeral procession and realized even dead people are cooler than me.
Grocery store bagger: need help out to your car?
me: *gets in the cart* yes.
All I ask is that when I’m murdered, you make my chalk outline four sizes smaller.
[Cop arresting a centipede]
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*opens crate of new handcuffs*
*clink*
*clink*
*clin
Chin up divorced people; lots of us smug married parents envy your 50/50 custody agreement.
[at roller rink]
My fanny pack is filled with marbles in case I need to create a diversion.
Big deal, snakes that can unhinge their jaw, I can unhinge my whole self.
a centaur has six limbs, a lower abdomen (horse torso), and an upper thorax (human torso), categorically making it a bug
I just saw a pizza delivery guy get in a terrible accident. I feel so bad. Someone’s just sitting around, wondering where their pizza is.
The cookie jar oinks when I open it, so don’t ever question my dedication to these hips.
Brought a ninja to a gunfight and it was really cool. Everyone clapped. Then they shot him.
Sorry I yelled “GET A ROOM!” at your grandson’s wrestling tournament.
The dog was pooping and before he finished a woman approached me and asked “Are you going to pick this up?” I picked it up and replied to her “I have no choice, this is my food”, and I walked away.
Notes to my My normal
kids teacher handwriting
*steals machine parts all year*
*gets coal for xmas*
“Santa you idiot, the parts were for a pressure chamber”
*turns coal into diamond*
I’m afraid we’re on the brink of WW3 ( Wonder Woman 3 )
*God inventing raccoons*
God: Hehe.. this’uns my lil bandit
Dude, u ok?
God: Ima give him a lil mask
Get some sleep
God: He’ll rob stuff lol
I like to piss my husband off by using the switch right beside me rather than screaming at devices all over the house in codes I can’t a remember and a voice they don’t listen to, recognize, or understand just to turn one goddamn living room lamp on.
Once I went to a concert and I tried to throw my panties up on the stage but I suck at throwing so they landed in the crowd like four feet ahead of me and I was asking some guy, “Hey can I get my underwear back? Sir. Can I please. Get my underwear back. Excuse me?”
If you think you can bribe me with a bagel to show up to your dumb meeting well congratulations you have cracked my code
uh yeah, I accept. No brainer
ON VOUS MENT !!! #NousSachons
I never related to movies as a kid. Like in Home Alone when Kevin says to his Mother “I am upstairs you dummy” I couldn’t understand how he was still alive after that.
When I was younger I also blamed Jewish people for all my problems and thought they were part of a conspiracy to control and ruin my life. Turns out they were just being good parents.
Splinter: Leo.
Mikey: I’m Michelangelo. That’s Leo.
Donny: I’m Donatello. That’s Leo.
Leo: I thought I was Raphael.– Why they wear masks
Magazines are for your self esteem.
-New Yorker: You’re so uncultured.
-Cosmo: Your body is garbage.
-Forbes: Hey there, peasant.
Told my kid in my day, if I missed an episode of a show, might have wait years to see it again
He looked at me like I’d just showed him prison tattoos
A demon that writes messages on your mirror with blood but they’re useful messages. Like “remember you have yoga at 6 tonight”