@obviousplant_: Spring cleaning checklist...
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@malt_skull: [phonecall w criminal] FBI Agent: keep him on the line for 2 more minutes me: ok.. *twirling phone cord* no you hang up. haha no you hang up
@Thedudish: My neighbor's dog is so popular that every time he barks, the neighborhood dogs RT him.
@AndyAsAdjective: "how'd your football team football today?" those footballers footballed quite well…really good footballin'
@stephenjmolloy: Job interviewer: What are your strengths? Me: Is the next question going to be about weaknesses? JI: Yes. Me: I'm very perceptive.