“Spring is in the air” I proclaim as I hurl a Slinky at your head.
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I’m just a Whole Foods girl on a Walmart budget.
There are 3 certainties in life
-death
-taxes
-anxiety anytime someone asks me what I’ve been up to
Cop: Do you think you can identify the deceased?
Me *nodding* I bet it’s the dude over there with no head
My boyfriend is taking me to a Spanish restaurant for dinner, I’m kind of scared, I don’t speak Spanish, how will I know not to order dog
If by cat person you mean I like to sleep all day and poo in sand then yes I am a cat person.
2022 will be better than 2021
I’m having trouble perfecting my dating profile
My husband isn’t helping with the wording as much as I’d hoped
Vegetarians live up to nine years longer. Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, baconless, cheeseburgerless, meatless years.
I always chalk the pool cue as if it is going to make a difference
I don’t think humans are capable of sounding more disgusting than when they are being rude to their mothers or singing along to Mariah Carey
I love how this restaurant keeps a fish tank by the front entrance so I can just reach my hand in and eat a fish on the way out for free.
Friend: I’m so sore from the class I took at the gym
Me: I spent 10 minutes trying to pick up a cube of ice off my floor, I know the feeling
If your name got called on The Price is Right, it’d be fun to scream, jump up and down, and then run full speed out of the studio
DATE: So tell me something about yourself
ME: I like to call frozen burgers ‘brrrgers’
HER: I need to see other people
Dracula: well? do I have any cavities?
Dentist: *using tiny mirror* hmm I… I can’t tell
Working at a cheap mall store as a teen: “You may only carry a small clear bag that will be checked by security daily.”
Working at a bank: “Cool duffle bag!”
I need this for my side hustle.
I wish there was a way to keep in touch with dogs I meet outside of grocery stores.
Me: Ooh, I love those pretty Christmas lights hanging over the street.
Cop: Those are traffic lights, what’s exactly in the thermos ma’am?
me: brush your teeth
my kids: how fricking dare you want me to continue to have teeth
I want the confidence of my sister in-law who said “Isn’t it considerate of these people to add a purse holder?”
Get your ski mask. We’re pulling off a popsicle factory heist. I got the strawberry shortcakes. Leave no creamsicle behind.
person: nice cheese
inventor of swiss: thanks it has pockets
For anyone who needs this today
I’m a big Kate Bush fan, and thanks to her I’ve just discovered a fascinating historical drama series called Stranger Things, all about youngsters in America a long time ago.
Me: How much for the doggy in the window
Store Employee: That’s Karen. She works here
8yo: “I’ve put my tooth in my room but I’m not saying where – it is to see if the tooth fairy is real or not” – this shit just got real
There’s no such thing as “fair trade” honey. Those bees are gettin’ screwed.
Of course I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand crows.
I accidentally told my kid I paid for a toy “that Santa brought” and now I’m stuck in an elaborate web of lies please send help.