@fillthevacuum: "Spring is in the air" I proclaim as I hurl a Slinky at your head.
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@Sassafrantz: Him: She's always doing magic tricks Therapist: Is that true? Me: Check your pocket. [he pulls out a piece of paper with 'NO' written on it]
@OhighIsis: Mom called to ask if I'd take her shopping. Me: What time? Mom: Anytime between 1-4. Apparently my Mom works for the cable company now.
@iGreenMonk: "Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned." The priest replied, "I know. I saw your tweet!"