“Spring is in the air” I proclaim as I hurl a Slinky at your head.
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Screenwriting:
ACT ONE: What’s their deal?
ACT TWO: This wasn’t the deal, now let’s see how they deal.
ACT THREE: They’re a whole new deal.
Not one person has been eaten by sharks yet this week. Probably the worst Shark Week ever.
When deescalating an argument with your wife, always use empathetic phrases like “look lady”
*peels off yoga pants to reveal even yogier pants*
Cop: You look pretty beat up, how many attackers did you say there was?
[flashback to me showing the cat my nunchuk skills]
Me: Easily 10
After learning about hieroglyphics, it makes you realize that Egyptians invented the emoji.
Smoke alarms are stupid — like I’d ever forget to smoke.
STUDENT: Will there be a final?
PROFESSOR: Does a bear shit in the woods?
BEAR STUDENT: *from the back row* Thats none of your damn business
*skydiving with my friend who’s always bragging about being a vegetarian. we pull our ripcords & his parachute deploys but a bunch of lettuce, tomatoes & diced cucumbers fly out of mine. i yell to him as i fall away*
HMM, VERY INTERESTING. SO, SALADS ACTUALLY CAN BE BAD FOR YOU
i’m really good at reading people’s true feelings from their words. for example, my wife said “i love how you’ll just leave the dirty dishes in the sink and wait for me to do them,” but i was able to determine that she does not, in fact, love that
“There’s nothing wrong with being single.”
No.
“I’ve got plenty of time.”
Sure.
“I’m not lonely.”
Sir, are you going to buy anything?
when I say “I want a boyfriend” I mean that I want to magically wake up one day in a peaceful and balanced 5 year relationship, not that I want to date or meet people or put in the effort towards making it a tangible reality
Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off
If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you have extremely good judgement.
🎶we are never ever ever getting back together
– a pair of my socks saying an emotional goodbye to each other in the washing machine
Sing it!
When you’re an inflight safety pamphlet designer who definitely knows what babies look like
I wanted to go out tonight, but the avocado I bought last week will finally be ripe enough to eat between 9pm – 9.15pm so I can’t.
What I said: Please bring your laundry downstairs.
What my son heard: Please drop your laundry from the second floor down into the foyer as I stand at the front door talking to our neighbor so a dirty balled up sock can bounce off my head and into her face.
*first day as a detective*
Partner: Three sets of prints, but only one body
Me: *nods* Yes. That means there’s *counts on fingers* more people that aren’t dead
Hot singles over 40 in your area are curious what you use for joint pain and inflammation.
When I’m really bored at work I like to write “I’m watching you” on the toilet paper a few squares in just to mess with people.
If you need a smile today, here’s a wonderful outtake with Robin Williams and Elmo 😂❤️
Me: I have a million things to get done before Christmas
Also me: now seems like the perfect time to learn origami
My kids found their Kit Kats and then accused me of hiding them. Like WTF, how shameful are these kids to go into my closet?
@thefunnytweeter With the way my diet is going, I think I’ll be much more slimmer after this quarantine.
Headed to police station to go through mugshots for a date tonight. I don’t trust ChristianMingle.
(Person choking)
Heimlich: Would it help if I gave you a hug?
It’s so dumb to be on this app, why do I have a diary where people can yell at me
Mummies are just super modest zombies