Springtime ants in the kitchen. Go get mother her killing flip flop.
You Might Also Like
CW: I think you’re two-faced
Me: Why don’t you say that to my face
CW: I just did!
Me: No. My other face.
honey I’m home
wife: how was your first night class
well [hangs up suit of armor] not good
WIFE: Stop spending money on stupid stuff
ME: Okay
[later]
WIFE: What the hell?
[dog walks by in a tuxedo]
ME: He’s getting married, Karen
I remember when I could put my shoes on standing up and had that one legged balancing act perfected. It was one Saturday back in 1994, but I remember it.
*gives rubber ducky a swig of my wine*
Everybody in this tub getting tipsy.
Friend: How’s the wine?
Me: It’s exCHARDONNARY—
Friend: *taking my glass away* No.
Imagine if we didn’t have Google and still relied on encyclopedias to find out “Why poop green?”
The temperature went from 90 to 55 like it saw a state trooper
this is how it feels as a teacher when a student complains about school
I’ve been told I look like a young Denzel Washington’s white neighbor.
The first 70 years after high school are always the hardest.
When I was 16, my parents sat me down to give me “the talk” about professional wrestling.
guy: [stands up at front of plane]
me: “please don’t be overbooked”
guy: [pulls gun] “this plane is now under my control”
me: “oh thank god”
Parenting tip: From day one never cut a crust off a sandwich; your kids won’t know there’s any other way. Stay lazy, my friends.
sometimes i don’t spot my typos until it’s toilet
[restaurant]
ME: Do you have updog?
WAITER: [sighs] No sir
M: Ok, is this gluten free?
W: No you have to pay for it
M: Damn you’re good
*Sees old 1987 ford mustang and gets in* Lets see if this baby still works *pulls baby out of backpack* *baby cries* Great! *Puts it back*
I pack underwear as if I plan to shit myself for 40 days and nights
FRIEND: Do you like 7-11 Slurpees?
ME: Nah, just one at a time
wtf is an acronym
Me: Dishwasher’s broken.
16: I’m sorry.
Me: Did you break it?
16: No, I meant, like, “I’m sorry for your loss.”
Don’t describe two completely different things as “apples and oranges” they’re both fruit
Say something like “elephants and crystal meth”
The guy blaring the self help CD at the red light in the rusted car with no bumpers wasn’t amused when I said, “I don’t think it’s working”
toddler *walks by with a hammer*
me: What are you gonna make?
toddler: Noise
10:00pm
*gets a snack*
10:01pm
*turns on tv*
10:02pm
*glances at twitter for 8 seconds*
February
Watching Mad Men with my girlfriend and trying to distract her every time Don Draper is on screen
You blow one bubble and suddenly all the other bubbles are talking about you.
[Scooby & the gang catch a regular guy]
“Let’s see who this ghost really is!”
No! Wait, I’m not-
[rip off face]
*gasps* “OLD MAN SKELETON?”
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog: I won’t go outside because it looks damp.