Maybe the Titanic sank because there were too many cats onboard, you don’t know.
You Might Also Like
Them: hey, you coming for drinks after work?
Me:…
If somebody at a party tells you they’re a writer, get excited, hold up the nearest book, and ask, wide-eyed, “DID YOU WRITE THIS?”
adam and eve had first world problems
*record scratch*
Me: Yeah, that’s me. You’re probably wondering how I ended up in this situatio…
Crowd: Boooo! Damn this dj suuuuucks
boss: you’re fired for putting a curse on susan
me: ok
susan: [trapped in an oil painting for eternity] can you lift the curse?
me: sorry i don’t work here
If you’re stupid and you know it close your mouth.
Hot air balloons kick ass. Are they safe? Not really. Can you stop if you don’t like it? Think again. BUT can you steer? Listen don’t bring that negative energy into this wicker basket ok I’m gonna light this flamethrower.
Yesterday I told my husband I was gonna get rid of all the kid’s toys because the house is full and today he told me I couldn’t buy any new ones, as if he thinks I meant it
doctor: *flipping through x-rays* all of them are blurry
bigfoot: weird
I spend a lot of money at Sephora for someone who’s got access to filters
The face palm is the only houseplant you can’t kill
Maybe I should’ve learned to code instead of majoring in Bermuda Triangle Studies
Lake Erie: Great Lake name
Lake Titicaca: Greater lake name
Dreams at each age:
15: one day I’ll find great love.
20: one day I’ll become a great person.
25: one day I’ll make the world great.
35: one day I’ll throw out all my Tupperware at once, and buy a bunch of different sizes but all with the same lid.
Usain Bolt doesn’t know shit bout speed compared to a parent putting their hand over their kids mouth when they see someone w/ an eye patch.
12yo: imagine if cargo shorts existed as pants…
Me: they do, they’re called cargo pants
12yo: WHAT
Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?
Does anyone else still miss that part of the pandemic where it was illegal for anyone to come near you?
Asking for a friend. x
Barista: “Welcome to Starbucks!”
Me: “Large coffee please.”
B: “It’s venti!”
Me: “Then close all the windows after you get my large coffee.”
Just saw an ambulance pull into a cemetery, like dude, you’re too late.
I love that “take out” means food, dating, and murder.
Flavor Flav: do you know what time it is?
Audience: WOOOOOOOOO
Flavor Flav: I SAID DO YOU KNOW WHAT TIME IT IS?
Me: *normal speaking voice* 9.37pm
If someone at my funeral is like “he loved everyone” i just want you to know, I didn’t
I was really getting my act together–eating right, exercising regularly, looking hot, feeling strong, and doing good work. Then I woke up.
I hope this email finds you. And when it finds you it will make you pay.
Do you ever think Mario gets home after a long day and his wife is dressed in lingerie and all ‘hey handsome’ and he’s like ‘I had such a long day, if i have to jump down into one more tunnel I will lose it”
Any psychic who needs a door bell to let them know someone is there is probably not worth the money.
Me: how do I do taxes?
School: here’s a recorder
Me: what is a credit score?
School: just put it in your mouth and blow like this
Me: how do I choose the right healthcare plan?
School: HOT. CROSS. BUNS.
pretty messed up how “what are you weaknesses” is an acceptable question in job interviews but not on first dates
My daughter’s birthday wishlist this year can only be deciphered by a much, much richer man.