@WhitePplQuote: squad goals
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@KKAlThani: Cop: you're under arrest Me: no you are *cop arrests me* Me: fine but next time it's my turn
@iLikeCatShirts: [Red Lobster] Waiter: we're offering Endless Shrimp. Me: bring me the endless shrimp <5 days later> Waiter: please leave, I have a family
@DanMentos: [job interview] “any public speaking experience?” not since the valedictorian speech in high school “very impressive” I yelled 'YOU SUCK'
@Ristolable: [pitch meeting] Okay so it's a ton of dogs. Dalmatians. 100 of 'em. I call it "100 Dalmatians." [idea man pipes in] Let's think bigger