*Squatting over cat litter box*
Husband: What the fu-
Me: THERE’S A SPIDER IN THE BATHROOM
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*first day as mall Santa
“That’s nice. So, is your mom single?”
No honey, I’m not going to “just lay around and watch football all day”. There’s basketball and golf on too.
Me: Would you consider going out with a guy a little older than yourself?
Her: Well of course I would. Why, do you have a son?
Can’t wait until my wife hears that someone tried to throw a wood-mounted singing largemouth bass in the garbage because it ran out of batteries
When people start a sentence with “believe it or not” I’m like wow, those are two very good options
I know how to share fries even if others do not. I am a bear.
have respect for every human life. we are all made in gods image. big computers on top. buncha important balloons in the middle. stilts.
An owl showing some catlike behavior.
Currently looking for a Thanksgiving outfit that camouflages me as my mother’s wallpaper…something where I don’t have to pass the peas or her passive aggression.
Me: maybe we should let it live
Captain Ahab: *turning harpoon on me* what?
Me: uh I-I just don’t think this obsession is worthwhale
Ahab: …ha
Me: haha
Ahab: hahaha worthWHALE oh jeez
Me: haha whew *realizing I’m bleeding* when did you shoot
Ahab: oh like immediately
WAITER: How is everything?
ME: Soul crushing and void of meaning
W: I meant your meal
M: Soul crushing, void of meaning, and needs salt
Anyone else’s spine sound like an accordion when they go to bend over?
No?
You: Sitting down to eat
Me: *hovering* Sooo…are you gonna finish that?
ME: I’m so happy, I could treat a horse!
WIFE: *sighs* That’s not a saying
[spoon-feeding ice cream to horse] Don’t listen to her Mr Butters
I had my house renamed “Moderation” and now I can pretty much do whatever I want in here.
I dropped my soap in the shower. On purpose. Nothing happened. You guys are full of it.
[riding crowded elevator]
Me: jeez louise, how many stops is this thing gonna make
Jeez Louise: five
Me: I love peanuts but can’t be bothered chewing them.
Peanut butter salesman: Oh boy, have I got the thing for you!
Imitation is the sincerest form of crabmeat.
Cell phones ruined the fun of pushing a fully clothed person into a pool.
Called Comcast to see about dropping my service and long story short, If anyone wants to watch Showtime, call me on one of my 36 landlines.
I always sharpen my guest bed of nails before my mother-in-law comes to visit.
gf: that guy hit on me, make him pay
me: [to guy] u need to buy our drinks
i’m laughing very hard in real life
[crumpled up paper on floor]
*tries to flip it up like hacky sack*
*tries to flip it up…*
*tries to flip…*
*tries…**leaves it*
[texting]
Him: What’re you doing
Me: Watching a chicken strip
H: Why don’t you just eat it
M: BECAUSE SHE’S BUSY DANCING, TODD
I love that spiderman sits like that. That’s not a spider thing. Spiders don’t do that. But spiderman does.
When the teacher told my 5yo that America was below Canada, my son thought that if you dug a hole deep enough in Canada you’d get to America
I hate people who get paid to write toddler’s books.
They put together like 20 words and then find something else to draw the pictures.