Squid really does seem like the perfect name for that thing
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He wants my carcasses apparently.
I think autocorrect won that round.
me: wow you sure are playing hard to get
after-school appointment at my kid’s dentist: *blushes* oh you
google logo keeps changing its appearance because it killed a man in Tampa in 1999 and has to stay ahead of the law
[using a dust pan for the first time]
Me: honey, how long until this dirt is cooked
Pro-Tip: If you’re going to use chlorophorm on someone make sure you don’t inhale it yourself.
[reading horrorscope] “More horror today”. That seems right
My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard.
Several of my internal organs hurt, but I’m 100% sure it’s not my body trying to tell me something.
The kids of today have no respect. They’re rude, lazy and swear to make themselves look big and cool
Nothing at all like us…
You come home from a long day at work, you want to relax with a movie, you pop in a blu-ray, turn down the lights, press play, and the first thing you see is an angry lion roaring at you. No wonder Hollywood is dying.
Well, it took 29 years, but I finally watched the original Jurassic Park, a cautionary tale about understaffing your engineering department and letting people push code directly to prod.
I was trying to create a wonderful family experience strawberry picking, but there just isn’t enough wine for me to deal with my kids thinking it was funny to smear red strawberries on the back of my white pants.
Writing a personal ad. So far I have:
Has all own teeth
Q: Why do we put candles on top of a birthday cake?
A: Because it’s too hard to put them on the bottom!
#HappyBirthdayBob
Wife: can you pick up milk on your way home
Me: can’t he just get a ride home with friends
Wife: again, our son’s name is not Milk
The Lion King really created trust issues between me and the nephew.
🎶 It was an itsy bitsy teenie weenie 🎶
Remember before Ebola, when we just had bola? Technology changes everything.
Real women don’t wish their enemies would die, just that they’ll get fat.
Hey little kid throwing a tantrum at the store cuz your mom won’t buy you that “sugary” cereal, I buy my kids that sugary cereal.
*Girl comes out in a slinky dress*
ME: Ooh that looks like fun
*I push her down the stairs*
Reading your horoscope is just trying to determine your future based on when your parents had sex.
*looks gift horse in the mouth
Gift Horse: Hey, my eyes are up here.
My coworkers refused to believe I made the delicious Potluck lunch dish I brought and they kept claiming my wife did. In keeping with this toxic workplace atmosphere of distrust, I’m not telling them it was store bought.
Made my wife laugh so hard that she spit out her milk so I said, “At least you’re consistent” & the laugh got replaced with a steak knife.
Satan: Welcome to hell, where it’s hot and never not! Any questions?
Me: Yeah, where’s the second circle? They’re expecting me.
Every Father’s Day I think about the time I jokingly asked my 4 year-old daughter if she was going to get me a “World’s Best Dad” mug. “Nope,” she said gravely. “I haven’t met all the dads in the world.”
me: *excitedly* this is my first time taking a train
conductor: *sprinting* GIVE IT BACK
*gets bitten
*becomes shy shy
Cartoons made it seem like I’d be regularly hit in the head with fallen anvils, but it’s only happened to me three times.