Geez man, take it easy.
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Me: I’m shy
Tequila: Not anymore
“Turtle Power” is not an appropriate response when HR asks you how you plan to meet your objectives this year. Apparently.
Wife: How’d you do?
Me: I won $500 playing blackjack!
Wife: Good. The air conditioner stopped working.
My house: I ALWAYS WIN
just saw the gorilla thing. what kind of thoughtless, negligent parent would raise their child in ohio
How long do I have to sleep before I’m legally a bear?
I’m a Brit, you’re Canadian. Please don’t thank me for thanking you, I’ll only feel compelled to thank you back and before you know it we’ll have been at it all night.
Him: I need to see license, registration and proof of insurance.
Me reaching for purse: again?? Speed dating at a cop convention sucks.
origin story of all Disney villains:
“omg if I hear ONE more person singing today-“
My wife just caught me naked FaceTiming someone so can one of you pretend to be a TeleMed urologist?
GET LOST THIS DUMPSTER ONLY SLEEPS ONE
Always a bridesmaid, never a bride. Because, I’m smarter than my friends.
5 Stages of Pregnancy:
1: Crying
2: Peeing
3: Crying because you peed
4: Peeing because you’re crying
5: The toilet is your home now
Lets keep this short tell me what I did right
The correct etiquette is to always use a fish knife when eating fish; a tomato knife when eating tomatoes; and a Swiss Army knife when eating the Swiss Army.
“Hey Barack”
“yes Joe?”
“I bet T-Rex’s took terrible selfies”
“Ok Joe”
“Because they had…”
“Short arms Joe, yes. I get it. I get it buddy”
Wife: *packing a bag*
Me: Where are you going?
W: I’m leaving you for my boss
M: Don’t go—
W: It’s too late, you can’t change my mind
M: —before I’ve written him a quick ‘Thank You & Good Luck’ note
W: I despise you
Got up at 6:30am today. Did some yoga. Had a protein shake. Ran six miles. Started lying about everything.
I feel bad for tailgating this minivan so closely but once I started watching Kung Fu Panda on his back seat TV I had to see it through.
So much has changed in such a short period of time. But whoa is still spelled whoa.
Check out the legs on this baby
8: When’s dad’s birthday?
Me: June 28
8: 2000 what?
Me: You mean 19…1984
8: 19? WOW
“We have a new product, it washes hair but it needs a name”
Shamcrap?!
“Awful”
Shampoop?!
“Get out!”
Shampoo?
“Genius!”
Everyone is awful in their own special way.
What do you call the sexual orientation where you’re attracted to both and men and women but they’re not attracted to you?
Bi-yourself.
I don’t know about anyone else but the second I see a cop in my rear view mirror..I know he’s running my plates and about to pull me over for the bank heist I imagined last week..
If you are gonna do conspiracy theories go big or go home.
Popular Mathematics makes math easier to understand! #FallonTonight
When my friend and I were children, gym class would have us run around the neighborhood. This run would pass my house. We sneak through the back alley into my house and watch TV for 20 minutes and then my dad will drive us back to school. The perfect crime
I annoy my dad when he’s watching football by referring to all the players as, “characters.” It works every time
AMULET: Touch me, and be cursed for eternity!!
ME: [picks it up] I feel fine.
AMULET: uh, I’m trying but- I can’t make ur life any worse.