[squirrel meeting]
Chief Squirrel: everyone, I suspect someone among us is an infiltrator
Owl: hoo
Chief Squirrel: (solemnly) that’s what we’re trying to find out Owen
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Parents these days take their kids to the E.R for scraped knees and paper cuts..
When I was 11 I died and my mom told me to walk it off
By now you know I’ve attempted some radical experiments with the unrivaled packaging of the ‘peanut butter cup.’ Of course, my ‘ham cup’ was a colossal failure. Yet I didn’t give up, but doubled down! And now I can reveal my new creation. I present to you, The Bar-B-Que Ham Tub!
therapist:
Ever considered using something other than comedy as a defense mechanism?me:
Like judgmental stares and mumbling?therapist:
No.me:
….Knives?therapist:
Forget I asked.
My horse kicked me in the head last month and sent me to the ER. My insurance is telling me to sue him.
A hot girl in the hallway just smiled at me, but don’t worry; I yelled “I’m taken,” and ran into the men’s bathroom where she can’t follow.
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.
I told my toddler grapes were choking hazards so now when she wants grapes she asks for “choking hazards” instead
Sorry, I can’t, I’m *busy today
*going to the mall to keep walking by the teriyaki place in the food court in different disguises to maximize the free samples
If hockey comes back this season we should be allowed to appoint one single fan to watch the games who’s only job is to shout “shoot!” on the power-play and occasionally bang on the glass.
WW2 started from a game of telephone when Hitler said ” I hate shoes”
Got excited to check out the new place called Juicy Ladies and was very disappointed it was just a juice bar.
I work for a water company and I regularly call in fake jobs in a funny voice near me on weekends to get a call out fee and double pay overtime, nearly doubled my salary
Overheard at the hardware store today …
Clerk: This interior house paint dries in 3 to 4 hours.
Customer: How much longer will it take to dry in the dark?
ME: where’s Jim
GUY: your guess is as good as mi—
ME: the moon
GUY: ok no
AC changed midlife crisis to kidlife crisis & now 5 is leaving me for a younger dad that drives a sports car
Has anyone tried putting all the Wordle answers together to see if they spell out a warning
“Alcohol is just water with feelings in it,” said the girl who failed chemistry.
If you love someone, set them free. If they come back with two police officers, you’ll know that setting them free was a bad idea.
Asked an old couple at work what is the secret to a long marriage
He said “Good reflexes”
She said “Poor aim”
Forrest Gump is so unrealistic. There’s no way anyone would take chocolate from a man who’s been talking to himself on a bus station bench for 3 hours.
[invention of history]
Well last time you said you didn’t need to write it down and we both know how that turned out.
Caterpillar: no legs wtf how do I get around?
God: *wearing bird mask* BOO
Caterpillar: o000ö
God: haha jk it’s just me
Caterpillar: oOOOö
God: SEE YOU’RE DOING IT
Why are Diva Cups only for women why can’t I win one.
Parenting is letting the kids fight it out over who showers first while you sneak away to take your own shower without interruption.
i think my idea of romance stems from 1957, when men were men and women leaned seductively against juke boxes
I can’t believe they get women to pay so much for those boots & can’t even spell ‘Ugly’ right…
My local cinema was broken into last night and goods worth £15,000 stolen: a packet of popcorn and a medium Coke.
Cold.
Warm.
Warm.
Warmer.
Hot.
Burning.
Cold.
Hot!Eating microwaved leftovers.
Wife: You only half-listen to me. You’re in a boatload of trouble.
Me: Yes, let’s buy a boat.
[breaking up yet another fight]
Me: Why do you always fight with your sisters?
6-year-old: Because I always win.