squirrel mom: Remember what I told you
squirrel son: “Always look both ways before I finish crossing the street”
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I jump out of bushes to give surprise breast exams. I save lives.
The police are on the lookout for me. Probably to give me an award.
How do I get a job as the non-research half of a murder podcast that just contributes the occasional well-timed “wait, what?”
Why is my kid asking me to play go fish like I didn’t birth her a twin and a brother for this exact reason?
When a possum plays dead he’s “smart” and “instinctual” but when I do it, it’s all “what’s wrong with you” and “crime scene investigators are at the door.”
It’s hilarious to me when people say “give it the old college try”. Nowhere on earth did I try less.
Don’t let the door hit you on the way out!
*guy looks back and laughs, the door punches him in the back of the head*
[eating dinner]
wife
me
wife
me [wearing 8 Burger King crowns] If they didn’t want you to take more than one there’d be a sign
wife
me
wife
pitching a show called Hitler about a guy who’s always being attacked by time travelers
I love that Amazon hires data scientists to figure out that based on my excessive paper towel purchase history I likely have two kids and a cat
Protip: If friends ask you to watch their kids for them, answer with “sure, it’ll make a change from having to use binoculars” so they never ask again*.
*Even better tip: Don’t actually do that, though
When I said I liked it rough.
My husband and I make a good team. I’m about to start cooking Thanksgiving dinner, and he’s taking the batteries out of the smoke detectors.
Outfit choices
Work: jeans & a t-shirt
Hanging out: jeans & a t-shirt
Special event: jeans & a t-shirt
Stalking your ex: jeans & a t-shirt
Having a nice lunch: jeans & a t-shirt
Doctor appt: khakis & a nice shirt so you appear to have it together
Cop: Stand on one leg
Me: *does it*
Cop: Say the alphabet backwards
Me: zyxwvutsrqponmlkjihgfedcba
Cop: Impressive. Walk this line while holding these ice trays filled with water and don’t spill anything
Me: *starts sweating*
You can’t choose your family, but you can block them on Facebook.
my math may be off, but i think there are at least 2 million people at trader joe’s right now
You’ve attempted to log into your online subscription of Psychology Today, please prove you’re not an imposter.
Don’t date a Canadian woman unless you’re willing to plow her…..
Driveway when it snows
wat abot when ther was only 1 set of footprints
“thats when i carried u”
wat abot when the fotprints went in the ocean
“i tried to drown u”
just got mad and flipped a table but it spun all the way around in landed right side up. everyone in Applebee’s is clapping
I’m going to go out on a limb here and fall off obviously.
My hobbies include knitting and leaving one star reviews on recipes when I used different ingredients and different techniqes and it turned out gross.
Mad that so many renaissance artists were named after ninja turtles
Not to brag but my bank says I have an outstanding balance.
Pfizer: Our vaccine is 90% effective.
Me who always gets the lemon skittle: oh no
[wife explaining to me how deaths in movies work]
So the actors really don’t die?
“No”
So is Abraham Lincoln really not dead?
*she sighs*
I’m just a lawyer, standing in front of a Judge, trying to make him understand that stopping for coffee was a necessity and I should not be held in contempt for being late.
When I’m mad at someone I say “no pun intended” when there wasn’t a pun and leave them trying to find it.
I spend 60%of my day worrying that I might have mustard on my face or clothing. The other 40% I am eating mustard.