Squirrels always act like they just realized they left the oven on back in their tree
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Really, there’s no need to ever take your kids anywhere fun because they can just sit and complain at home for a lot less money.
my brain: eat
me: okay, what should we make
my brain: no make, only eat
*steps out of the time machine* Me: what year is this?
Wife: Stop playing with the washing machine.
Bear Grylls: *waits impatiently for NASA’s call*
Suffering from kleptomania?
You should take something.
me, recommending a book: this book DESTROYED ME. this book RIPPED MY VERY BEING APART. i read the end sobbing in a fetal position on the floor and i didn’t move for three hours. please read it HIGHLY RECOMMEND IT
You don’t know what real fear is, until you’ve been cornered by a Mariachi band playing a rendition of Hotel California.
So it turns out the child that cost me the most money in the Legoland store……was me.
I told her she’s prettier than soup without her knowing how many quality soups I’ve encountered.
I’d been using my new hand-mirror for over 6 months before I realized it was actually a framed stock photo of a much less handsome man.
*buys a whole mess of pies* “it’s my sons birthday party he is popular and wanted pies” I say to the cashier, who knows I do this every day.
Judge: You have power of attorney?
Me:*curling two briefcases* Pfft. What do you think, bruh?
doc: the bad news is your insurance is terrible
me: what’s the good news
doc: you won’t need it for long
A protected acct with 0 followers just followed me. Mom, is that you?
When someone asks me how my day is, I like to say “Still kinda pissed about Hiroshima,” & then start swearing in Japanese.
“Oh, Monster TRUCK rally. Haha of course…”
*Frankenstein slowly backs out of the room, hiding a 24 pack of condoms behind his back*
[accidentally glues myself to the side of the house again]
I’m protesting the climate.
Make healthier choices. Steal from Whole Foods.
For $60, this printer ink had better be hand squeezed out of endangered squids.
I’ve never held a baby before
“It’ll be fine”
*I accidentally put the baby in a box and mail it to North Korea*
ALIEN: take me to ur leader
ME: ok
[later at zoo]
A: wtf
M: a lemur
A: I said leader
M: well ur ship is so loud I couldn’t hear a damn thing
Me: I love doing dishes while listening to my favorite boy band
Her: N*SYNC?
Me: no Sarah, I wash my dishes in the refrigerator
Why’s it called landing a husband? Are single men floating just above me like airplanes, and does getting engaged require an air traffic control certification
I have been single so long, I can finish my own sentences.
This holiday season, do NOT buy a giant skeleton from home depot. Adopt one from your local cemetery
Wife: I told you to baby proof the house!
Me: I did. That baby has no chance if it comes in here. The bear traps will make sure of that.
When I reached the border patrol checkpoint, I raised my kale smoothie & the officer immediately waved me through.
Him: Don’t make this weird.
Me: Then why am I even here?
Having no tattoos in 2014, is like having tattoos in 1967.