Squirrels always act like they just realized they left the oven on back in their tree
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You’re old you’re excited to learn how to play Mahjong
I really had high hopes for this year though
You ever watch a scary movie and then go to bed but need to watch cartoons first as a palate cleanser?
BLIND DATE: My last boyfriend thought he was such hot stuff. But he was really just a big fish in a small pond.
ME, a giant worm in a hat and trench-coat: Ha, what a loser! But seriously like how big specifically though?
Me: I’ll have a scotch on the rocks with a twist
Bartender slides drink
“Your dad’s alive. He’s hiding in Cuba”M: Did NOT see that coming
I just kissed the cat and now she has peanut butter on her head.
If you legally change your name to ‘You’re Free to Go’ then it’s impossible to get arrested.
A great tip. #CakeRex
Someone told me carrots with dry ranch seasoning tastes like Doritos, do not tell me this pandemic didn’t mess with people’s minds. You know what tastes like Doritos? Doritos.
[job interview]
-Describe yourself to me in one word.
-poor
if anyone starts quoting the bible to you, a funny thing to yell is “NO SPOILERS I HAVEN’T READ IT YET”
[alternate universe where vegetables enforce the law]
person: *sees a robbery* I’m calling the crops
Bill Nye is short for William New Year’s Eve
My local coffee shop has one of those “No WiFi, pretend it’s the old days” signs so I robbed them and made them promise not to use DNA evidence to convict me.
Me: clutter makes me want to burn this house to the ground
Also me: there are still 3 drops of shampoo in this bottle, better save it in case of emergency
[guy running at me with a machete]
wonder what this fella wants
I have a horrible memory, unless we’re discussing something you did wrong.
Tinder but it matches people that don’t know what they want for dinner with people who will decide what they get for dinner.
“Who puts ugly pictures of someone on a missing poster? I’ll tell you who. My MOM. That’s who.”
~ The Best Testimony I’ve Ever Heard in Person
Mechanic: that’s gonna cost $2000
Me: how much?
Mechanic: $3000
Me: what did you say before that
Mechanic: I said “that’s gonna cost”
Wanted: One (1) flat earther to be my friend so I can talk to you when I’m down and you can tell me my belly is actually flat.
No weirdos.
If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.
Old men’s pants creep higher & higher up their waist into their armpits.
At the end of their lives they’re just a pair of pants with a head.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why is the fattest holiday character the one that goes down the chimney?
Thank you for the opportunity but I don’t think being human is a good fit for me. I’m going to go back to school to become an octopus
Sure the Lego botanical sets are great but dusting them is another story.
If the hand soap isn’t for drinking why do they put a straw in the bottle?
chicken: [stamps out cigarette] have you even once considered that THIS is the other side of the road?
If someone tweets in the bathroom they are live streaming.
Them: You’re too pretty to look so sad
Me: Sorry, I’ll try to look more ugly