Squirrels are just hobos with fancy fur coats.
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[Confessional Booth]
Me: My favorite sins are sins of the flesh.
Priest: FAVORITE SINS?!
Me: Why are you yelling? And gluttony, gluttony is a close 2nd.
One time I made my Scottish born mama red beans and rice when she came to Texas for a visit and after she accused me of trying to kill her.
I had a peach bellini with breakfast and it wasn’t even the best decision I made today but it was a damned good one.
Murder is like art, as long as you can bullshit your way into justifying it, someone out there will be like “oh yeah, I totally get it.”
captcha starting to give us tasks like we’re in a saw movie or something.
You know you’re getting old when you sound like a women’s tennis match just trying to get out of bed.
Commissioner Gordon: It says here that bats sleep upside down and wee over themselves.
Batman: We also poop.
CG: We?
B: They. I mean they
Him: It’s been 20 minutes! I know what you’re doing in there! Stop it!
Me: *in shower* No! I’ve waited all day!
Him: Don’t do it! Get out!
Me: *touching my face* You can’t stop me!
Welcome to Twitter.
Here are your stones. Your glass house will be assigned to you momentarily.
Alcohol is photoshop for real life.
Drove over 3 curbs today (personal best).
gonna start calling my years long dry spell ‘sexual discipline’ so I don’t sound so pathetic
How do I mute or block this account called “Promoted?”
My husband giving me instructions as he prepares to leave town: “Don’t put the dogs in their crates today. Let them sleep on the couch.”
Me: “Why?”
Him: “That’s how they know it’s the weekend.”
My husband and I play this game where we buy potato chips the other one doesn’t like so we don’t have to share.
noah: two of every single species on earth
god: yes
noah: and a boat to fit them all
god: yes
noah: and people will ridicule me the whole time
god: yes
noah: and all my friends are going to die
god: yes
noah: but like the world will be good after that right
god: i mean
WATSON: It appears the victim died upon entering the bathroom
HOLMES: And how did you deduce he wasn’t leaving?
WATSON: No shit, Sherlock.
Bad Cop: The proof is in the pudding.
Good Cop: Stop putting all our evidence in pudding. Why do you keep putting our evidence in pudding?
Ssshhh be quiet, I just found another endangered species.
If I ever start with ‘this one time I went jogging…..’
I am not telling the truth.
“Ok, guys, before you start calling me a pervert, let me just say I found a great source of protein.” — The first guy who ever milked a cow.
*family reunion*
– flirting shouldn’t be this easy
Amazon Review Guide
⭐☆☆☆☆ – I’m angry and taking my slight inconvenience out on you
⭐⭐☆☆☆ – Your product is crap
⭐⭐⭐☆☆ – Average
⭐⭐⭐⭐☆ – Great product!
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐ – Average but I feel bad leaving a lower rating
“Apparently she had slaved over her homemade stuffing. At some point during the meal, her brother-in-law announced, ‘I prefer Stove Top,’ and it was then, from what we understand, that the woman snapped.”
-11pm news, tomorrow night
New York: The city that never sleeps.
Berlin: The city that never sleeps until Sunday.
Paris: The city that never sleeps alone.
[asteroid destroys earth]
God: *wakes up* hey I was WATCHING that
People who spend their lives complaining how other people are doing nothing productive for society are doing nothing productive for society.
Well, well, well…
If it isn’t the lesson I should’ve learned by now.
Doctor: Would you like a local anesthetic?
Me: No, I’d prefer one from out of town.
I caught my husband eating the last of the ice cream last night. First of all, we are supposed to be dieting together. Second of all, I was going to eat that.