Say what you want about online meetings but there are few things more liberating than attending a disciplinary hearing naked from the waist down.
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I want to be 14 again so I can ruin my life differently. I have new ideas.
No, I am not okay. Facebook just showed me something I posted 10 years ago.
Between my boy tucking his shirt in his shorts & my girl wearing socks w/ sandals I’m confident I won’t ever have to talk to them about sex.
Can we get Downton Abbey-style series about the Hogwarts janitors and kitchen staff?
Me: [lifting balaclava] what do you mean you don’t want to do a jewellery heist?
Tinder date: I thought we were gonna go on a date
Me: ok I feel like I was pretty clear in my profile I was looking for a partner in crime
Apparently my wife believes that if she didn’t tell me where to turn when I’m driving I’d just keep going straight until I hit an ocean.
In marriage, there are two conversations:
The one you think you’re having and the one your husband hears.
The bear sleeping bag is completely awesome.
I’m a vegetarian for the health reasons. Now pass the cheese fries.
I would learn how to backflip but i’m saving spinal injuries for after i’m 60
My daughter showed me a beautiful handmade wind chime project on Pinterest. I told her, “I don’t know who you think I am right now.”
8 just got annoyed that the cheese on his grilled cheese sandwich melted and is no longer square shaped…in case any of you were on the fence about having children.
Nothing confuses me more than vegan mascara. Who is eating mascara?
My favorite part of the holiday party is getting to meet my coworkers’ dates & find out who chooses to put up with these people for free.
Every time I think I’m failing as a parent my daughters are there to agree.
Have kids so you can say things you never thought you would like please don’t vacuum your sister
You can lead a horse to water but it’s pretty crowded there because of all the men you taught to fish in that other proverb.
Dear Ninja Turtles,
Why are you wearing masks? There are no other giant, mutated turtles. No one’s gonna mistake a different turtle for you.
I bring giant stuffed animals into carnivals so when I walk around people will think that I am good at something.
I swear to god, the next car that cuts me off will be driving in front of me.
Boss: Remember to only use your new laptop for job related things
Me: [Using laptop to search for a new job]
*sees money in my bank account*
oh crap i must have forgotten a bill
I once brought great shame to my children by telling the drive-thru attendant I’d take as many ketchup packets as he could give me.
GENIE: u have 3 wishes
ME: give Taylor Swift 1 extra ear
GENIE: k
ME: a blue one
GENIE: righto
ME: now make Kanye hear out of it
GENIE: dude
If anyone needs like five things 25% done and no things 100% done, just let me know.
i wish all
whales
a very
big
*giraffe getting his daily coffee*
G: usual grande mocha man
Barista: gee that’s a…
G: *sigh*
B:…tall order
G: Christ, every goddam day Phil
lost dog
<at a baptism>
*leans over*
Me:What’s the WiFi password?
Him:Jesus Christ, dude!
Me:That makes sense….is it case sensitive?
Haley: Hey how’s it going
Hayleigh: I’m beighsicalleigh okeigh