Squirrels before girls.
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DOCTOR: It’s important that you to get enough D at your age.
ME: That’s really sweet but I’m married.
DOCTOR: I meant-
ME: Please stop embarrassing yourself.
If I had two bathrooms I’d tell everyone someone died in one, I ain’t tryna clean two bathrooms
*wakes up kids in the middle of the night* hey. hey sssshhhh. is pikachu just a cat with makeup on
one time my cousin greg put on two jean jackets and he exploded, there was mustache everywhere
ME: what’s wrong girl?
LASSIE: *barking and pointing at baby that fell down a well*
ME: yes, babies ARE stupid
Be like a cat and never give up on closed doors.
Went gluten-free and already lost 15 friends in the first week!
Help your friends diet by replacing the light in their fridge with an air horn.
Your boss will respect you more if you sometimes disagree, especially if you touch their face and say “You silly goose.”
Just remembered when my high school changed the dress code to forbid “non-human-colored hair,” and this girl showed up with neon-pink braids the next day, and when they tried to send her home her mom said “I’m her colorist and I am in fact human.”
Every emotion briefly visited to open a jar of pickles.
Marriage Counselor: Maybe you should change your responses to the things your wife says.
Me: Fine, I can do that.*two days later*
Her: Do these jeans make me look fat?
Me: Yep.
Son: I thought about asking if you wanted a Klondike bar at 2 am.
Me: Why didn’t you ask?
S: I heard you snoring and didn’t want to wake you.
M: You can wake me any time, especially if it’s about ice cream.10 minutes later:
Me: So… I snore??
I called my pet rock Stoney, until one day it flew out the front door and hit a car that ran over my mailbox, now the police call it Evidence.
My daughter is playing “Away in a Manger” on the recorder if anyone wanna come over.
Nothing in my college degree prepared me for having the cat supervise me while I clean out the litter box.
Guten Morgen. What do you call an angry German mob?
Sauer crowd.
No one is my co-pilot; that seat’s for my snacks.
mechanic: the replacement part is gonna cost $1200
me: *did research and knows the average price is $300 so I should go somewhere else* okay
Lego: Build your own goddamn toys.
hitman: [about to jump out of my closet]
me: [walks in wearing nothing but a cowboy hat] alexa play dancing queen
hitman:
Day 302 of my husband and I both working from home:
Me: *tapes note to microwave reminding coworkers to PLEASE CLEAN UP SPILLS THIS MICROWAVE IS FOR THE WHOLE OFFICE
I now realize that my mom did not actually have eyes in the back of her head. She just did as I do, randomly yell out “stop it” every 30 min
My cover letter is just a picture of me in a sleeveless turtleneck karate chopping the word ‘unemployment’.
If you let an idiot convince you that he’s the smartest man in the world…
Maybe he’s not the only idiot.
Him: Hey, you really think that doing all those shots are going to make you forget that you got fired?
Me: I got fired?
I’m so glad the “you break it, you buy it” policy doesn’t apply to hymens.
My doctor asked my blood type and I said I don’t really have a ‘type’ I just like blood that makes me laugh
DOROTHY: What do these shoes do?
GLINDA: Send you home
D: Lame [tries new pair] And these?
G: Wait-
D: [clicks heels]
[turns into hamburger]
[first mma fight]
me: Pikachu I choose you!
Ref: this isn’t a Pokémon battle
me: *throws rat taped to a taser*