Squirrels don’t want to wear shoes no matter how cold it is I tell the emergency room physician
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5: I want to do something no one else has ever done.
Me: Help me clean?
5: No. Something fun.
If a recipe does not call for cheese, I’m gonna assume they forgot it and add an entire large bag. Well 3/4 of bag cause I ate some of it.
£900 pound for an iPhone 6?
Airplane mode better take me on holiday
do british taxpayers realise how much money goes down the drain because james bond won’t take the bus
Everyone is fighting a battle (with goblins) that you know nothing about (because you failed a perception check)
Watching horror movies has convinced me that answering a phone never ends well for anyone.
I was at Asda today and a child was misbehaving so his mother pointed at me saying “if you don’t stop he’s gonna take you away” like wtf no im not
[Last Supper]
Jesus: *holds up bread* This is my body
*holds up wine* This is my blood
And this is Sparta!
*kicks Judas into a pit*
Cop: we found this dead cat stuffed in the the photocopier
Detective: OMG, another victim of the copy cat killer
[Diner]
Waitress: Cops, and kids 5 and under eat for free
*me, discreetly nudging my 6 year-old*
my 6 year-old: im a police
The 5 Love Languages
Physical Touch: my loneliness is killing me
Words of Affirmation: I must confess I still believe
Quality Time: When I’m not with you I lose my mind
Gift Giving: give me a sign
Acts of Service: hit me baby one more time
I’m listening, but this 5-year-olds ‘polka-dotted dinosaur astronaut’ story better have a point
My mom wanted me to go down to the store and get her a newspaper …. So I stopped churning butter and jumped on my horse and I rode off into the sunset to get one.
Mixed signals, like when my family members tell me I drink too much all year but on Christmas and my birthday give me cute wine glasses.
THE INVENTOR OF KUNG FU FIGHTING: what if I told you that you could be fast as lightning and just a little bit frightening
Eyebrows tangled with the fury of a thousand Scottish grandfathers.
Son: What IS it?
Daughter: Dunno. Maybe a possum?
S: Should it be that color?
D: Try poking it.
Me: I’M NEVER COOKING FOR YOU GUYS AGAIN.
When you spill the batter all over the counter it’s pancakke.
[at Dr. appointment]
Dr.: yeah looks like you have too much acid in your diet.
Me: JESUS CHRIST DOC YOUR FACE IS MELTING
“I don’t need more than 4 hours of sleep” I say proudly while spooning dish washer detergent into my coffee.
Me: *upon exiting the womb* you’ll be hearing from my lawyer
Ghost Hunter is a cool job because as a kid I always thought how fun it would be to play make believe and get paid for it
My 5yo would like to wish you all a Happy Balance Time Day
Her: So, what is your major?
Him: I study forensics.
Her: Dude, that’s just 10!
“NO YOU’RE DRUNK,” she says playfully into the mirror, then promptly resumes disappointing her boyfriend’s mom at family dinner.
my wife can find a stain on my shirt from across the room but can’t see the mailbox when she’s backing up?
Girl: I will literally **kill** you
Tall guy: that is adorable, ilysm my lil beansprout
Short king (unsheathing his samurai sword): so it’s come to this
Me: Hi! One Big Mac no tomatoes please
Her: Mam this is a library
Me: Oh. Sorry
Now whispering: One Big Mac no tomatoes please
[shooting a bow & arrow in the library] i’m allowed to do this because it’s quiet
i hate when teachers put “?” on graded work, bro idk what’s going on either